A dreamer's scribbles

E-prestasi

2012-01-09T20:46:00.002+08:00

It is time to fill in my e-prestasi for 2011, and plan for 2012. Interesting way to make one self-reflects.

At times, we can't predict what will happen in our life.

When I was younger, I dreamt to fall in love and have 6 children to raise. Then I ended up having a broken heart.

Then I wanted to stay in the Great Britain to continue that mid-summer dream with strawberry scones and afternoon teas. But an African encounter turned me back to Rejang River.

I wanted to continue to resuscitate children in intensive care unit and acute wards, then I ended up transferring my knowledge in the University and realising that twinkling sparks in children with special needs.

So, if you ask me, what is my dream and hope for the next decades to come? I dare not make any sense, for whatever I wish for, things always turn up unexpectedly. Luckily, making plans on e-prestasi will be only for the next 12 months.

Happy new year 2012

2012-01-02T21:40:00.005+08:00

2011 comes and goes. It was a rather eventful year, especially after middle of the year, when a close friend fell critically ill. Seeing someone I always respect and love became so frail was really painful. It was a long night and I have finally surrendered in front of God with my head bowed. Over the years, I have finally come down to my knees and hold my hands, but that night, I bowed my head and poured all my pain to him.

Miracles do happen despite all obstacles. It was a slow recovery, and the future remains uncertain. But my prayer was answered, word by word. At the realisation of this, one is truly liberated and feels free. I hope 2012 will continue to an intimate time with HIM.

Speech by Professor Lung Ying-tai Faculty Graduation and Prize Presentation Ceremony November 28, 2011

2011-12-20T19:10:00.001+08:00

Members of the faculty, distinguished guests, proud parents, and graduates:

I am most reluctant in giving graduation addresses because the given audience is usually the worst kind--before you open your mouth, they wish you were already done, and whatever you say, they are determined that they won't remember a thing once they are out of the hall.

Under these tough circumstances, I still have to say that it's not only an honor and pleasure for me to be here with you today; it's also a calculated pre-emptive measure because sooner or later, one way or another, I am going to fall into your hands. And when our paths do cross, I naturally would hope that you are not only professionally excellent but also socially committed and compassionate.

Today is the graduation ceremony for your Study Phase I, medicine, and it's also the inauguration ceremony for your Study Phase II, the study of life. So I'd like to share with you some of my own notes about life.

I grew up in a port city in southern Taiwan called Kaohsiung. In 1961, when I was in the 2nd grade, something happened to my class. A girl vomited so violently that she had to be taken to the hospital. Very soon we were told to go home; all schools were shut down indefinitely. When we came back to the classroom some days later, several seats were empty. That was the first time I heard of the disease called "cholera." Of course I didn't know that our neighboring "village," Hong Kong, was hit by the same epidemic that year and 15 people died from it. We are much more connected than we know.

I was a child of the so-called "third world." Imagine these snapshots in black and white: young mothers spent all day piecing together plastic flowers and cheap Christmas lights in the crammed living rooms while their children ran around with T-shirts sewn together from sacks in which milk powder had been transported as American aid; printed over the chest of a child might happen to be the picture of two masculine hands engaged in a shake, with the caption, "China-US Cooperation," or "net weight 20 pounds." One of the major surprises I had when I arrived in the US for my graduate studies in 1975 was to discover that the milk people were drinking was not made from dried powder. In my class of 1961, nearly every girl had head lice in her hair—the tiny white eggs of the lice sticking to the hair look like dandruff, and oftentimes you would see a schoolteacher holing up a can of DDT, a synthetic insecticide, spraying at the head a crouched girl.

Hong Kong people of my generation have very similar memories of their past. Milk powder and cheap Christmas lights, cholera and head lice were all footprints of poverty. And if we go one or two generations further back, the pictures would be even bleaker. A Western missionary who arrived in China in 1895 described what she saw on the streets: "Everywhere are people whose skin have festering sores, people whose thyroid gland was so overblown that they couldn't walk straight; everywhere are the deformed, the blind and beggars of incredible shapes and forms."

A Japanese writer called Ohashi Otowa visited Hong Kong in 1900. By chance he stepped into a hospital and caught sight of a sickroom: "I peeped into an ill-lit room and saw a lowly Chinaman lying on a bare board wriggling like a maggot. It was so filthy and the stench so penetrating that we took immediate flight."

But why am I telling you this? Why am I telling you this on this particular day, for this particular occasion, at this particular place?

I have my reasons.

You are the centenary graduates of the University of Hong Kong, which was built on the foundation of the Hong Kong College of Medicine for Chinese established in 1887. Keep in mind that in 1887, post-mortem examination was still considered by most Chinese as a sacrilege, an offense, if not a crime; keep in mind that in 1897 when Lu Xun's father was fatally ill, the local doctor's prescription for him was to find a pair of crickets, which must be "yuan pei" (元配)—a pair from first mating. Only in this historical context you come to realize that the founding of the Hong Kong College of Medicine 124 years ago was a ground-breaking, epoch-making milestone and the people who made it possible must have been people with a tremendous sense of commitment and, above all, with the power of vision. It's people like Ho Kai and Patrick Manson who paved the way for you to arrive in this hall today.

On October 1, 1887, the inauguration ceremony for the Hong Kong College of Medicine took place and its first Dean, Dr. Patrick Manson, who is still revered today as the founder of the tropical medicine field, gave the address. This medical college, he predicted, will offer an opportunity for Hong Kong "to become a center and distributor, not for merchandise only, but also for science." Looking at the freshmen amongst the audience, he added, "The old Greek cities used to boast of their great men, and claim them with jealous care. Let us hope that in the new and greater China of the future, when the learned dispute of their great men, not a few may be claimed for Hong Kong and for the school today inaugurated."

Among the 30 some students inaugurated in 1887, only 2 graduated, in 1892. One became a country doctor in Malaysia, and the other, thinking that "healing men" is not as important as "curing the country," gave up the medical profession for something else.

Originally, when Sun Yat Sen was still a student in Hong Kong, he had in mind only a very modest project. So impressed by the modern management of this colony, he intended to carve out a Hong Kong "on small scale" out of his hometown, Heungshan. The young man began to build a road with shovel and pickax, hoping that it would connect his own village with the next. Only when this small project failed due to local corruption, he turned to something bigger—he overthrew the Chinese empire.

From Manson's inauguration address of 1887 to this graduation speech of 2011, our lives—yours and mine--have been changed by many extraordinary people. Some men of vision transformed education; some men of action started a revolution and founded a new nation; some men and women with perseverance and intelligence created vaccines or provided cure--small pox and rinderpest are eradicated, malaria is largely eliminated, cholera is under control, and most school girls of Taiwan and Hong Kong today do not know what head lice are. 124 years down the road, this medical college of the University of Hong Kong, which began with the daring dream of a handful of people, is turning out some of the best scientists and professionals shaping the future of the global community.

And you are part and parcel of this heritage. However, if so much has been accomplished by your "village elders" like Patrick Manson and Sun Yat Sen, is there anything left for your generation, for you, to dream, to dare, to devote yourselves to?

I think yes, there is.

Before the 43-year-old Dr. Manson decided to help found the Hong Kong School of Medicine, he had studied his place and time. The place was Hong Kong, where health care for the local population was in a miserable state. The time was late Ching, when old structures had begun to crumble and new values had not been formed. Sun Yat Sen was 26 when he graduated from this college but decided to make the country his patient. He studied medicine, he walked the streets of this colony, and he pondered upon the maladies of the nation, looking for remedies.

So what is your place and time? First let us look at who you are. About 20% of you, the medical students of HKU, come from families with both parents or one of the parents being healthcare professionals-- doctors, nurses, CM practitioners. Close to 60% of you come from families with a post-secondary education. It is pretty safe to say that you are, or will be, the elite of the society.

But exactly what kind of society do you find yourselves in?

There is something very "unique" about this "village" you belong to. In a city of 7 million people with an average per capita income of nearly US$30,000, 1.2 million people live below the poverty line. If that sounds abstract, try stand on a corner of Bonham Street and count the children who walk by--one, two, three, four--one out of every four children in this glamorous city live in poverty.

And have you ever paid attention to those elderly women who are pushing heavily loaded trolleys up the steep hills in Central? In this society, nearly 40% of the elderly fall below the poverty line. When visitors arrive at the airport, they immediately see an attractive slogan: "World City of Asia." What's not spelled out in that slogan is that income equality of this city is the worst in Asia, worse than India or Mainland China, and the wealth gap here ranks the biggest among all developed economies in the world.

This society that you and I have membership of is probably the easiest place in the world for a photographer to find a spot on any street and he can catch the moment when a Rolls Royce or a Bentley happens to be driving by an elderly man who is scavenging a garbage bin.

I am not suggesting that you should follow Lu Xun and turn to radical writing, or emulate Sun Yat Sen and engage in politics or become social workers. Life offers too many interesting as well as surprising possibilities. But as centenary graduates of this institution of such important heritage, you might consider spending more thoughts on where you have come from and where you may choose to go. The first stone of the road was laid down 124 years ago with the hope to connect to the next village, which is where you are today. Patrick Manson fought against ignorance and insisted on learning; Sun Yat Sen fought against corruption and insisted on good governance; as the torch relay continues, what will you fight against, and what will you insist on?

I hope you don't have ready answers for me, because if you do, I would be suspicious. What one fights against and what one insists on, taken in its totality, are called personal beliefs. Personal beliefs are not declared. They are practiced in the minute details of life. They are revealed in the smallest decisions of daily routine.

Patrick Manson later worked as advisor to the Colonial Office in London and his main job was to examine recruits and select those who are physically fit for jobs in the tropics. An unexpected problem arose, that is, he discovered that more than 90% of the applicants for subordinate positions such as railroad workers had bad teeth, which by regulation should disqualify them. He had to make a decision what to do.

Manson wrote to the Colonial Office: "To reject these would amount to almost wholesale rejection of all men of their class." He therefore suggested that the government provide dental care for those who couldn't afford it. Some professionals would see decayed teeth just as decayed teeth, but some others, people like Manson, would see things on the existential level--he sees human plight. And it's small, banal decisions such as this that make us what we truly are.

My family moved to a fishing village when I was 14. We were so poor that, when the children got sick, my mother would not dare to go to a clinic. One day, my youngest brother had a fever so high and coughed so badly that my mother was forced to go to the village doctor. We all went--four children of different age and height stood face to face with this very quiet man. He hardly spoke, and when he did speak, with a very soft voice, it was either Japanese or the Fukien dialect, which we could not understand a word of. He checked the little boy, pressed the medicine into my mother's hand, coached her in the unintelligible language how to care for the young, and refused to accept fees. And thereafter, throughout our childhood, he declined any fees from us.

That was my very first memory of a doctor's visit. The room was barely furnished but extremely clean and outside the room was a small courtyard, glittering with afternoon sunshine, and I could smell the scent of the summer jasmine in full bloom.

I wish you success and happiness, and thank you all.

龙应台在成功大学医学院毕业典礼的演讲

2011-12-20T19:01:00.001+08:00

大学没有教的两件事
如果你们期待我今天要讲的题目是“如何作一个好医生”，你猜错了。我不会那么笨，跟你们在座的医学院的杰出教授们去比赛讲这种题目，因为我一定输，我是行外人。

　　事实上，你们今天坐在这里的身份，究竟是什么呢？难道仅只是“未来的医生”这样一个单一身份──不可能吧？我想，一定有很多更宽的可能来界定今天坐在这里的你；譬如说，今天是你在经济上依赖别人的最后一天，也是你人生独立的第一天。

　　或者说，从今天起，你不再被当作某个学校的学生，某个人的儿女，而是你单独的自己──成功也是你，失败也是你，堕落时谁也救不了你；从今天起，不再有别人为你负责。我们甚至也可以说，今天的你，是一个人，站在制度性学习的终点，自主性学习的起点？

　　我不认为对医学院的毕业生就非谈“如何作一个好医生”不可，因为，职业只是一个人的人生中的一部份，绝不是全部。在你作医生的时候，你必定同时还有好几重身份，这些身份，不见得比你医生的身份来得不重要：你是一个国家的公民──你是否知道如何作一个好公民？

　　你一定是人家的妻子或丈夫或坚决不婚的情人伙伴──你是否知道如何作一个成熟的负责的伴侣？你一定还有几十年的时间是人家的儿女──你是否知道如何作一个好儿女？你可能很快成为别人的父亲和母亲──你又是否知道如何做好父亲和母亲？更关键的，今天是你的“独立日”──你是否知道如何做好一个独立的、完整的人呢？

　　因此，今天是什么日子？我认为，是你们从幼儿园到大学长达二十多年“制度性”教育的毕业典礼，同时是“自主性”教育的开学典礼。我今天的题目是，“制度性教育该教而没有教的两件事”：

　　仰观宇宙之大

　　第一，它教你如何与别人相处，没有教你如何与自己相处。

　　合群，曾经是我们从小到大“德育”的核心。个人在群体中如何进退贯穿整个儒家思想，但是儒家极其讲究的个人修身、慎独的部份，在现代化的社会里，却被忽视。

　　我们是一个习惯群聚的社会。在行为举止上，我们喜欢热闹，享受呼朋唤友的欢乐。在思想判断上，我们用“集体公审”或者“拉帮结派”的方式思考事情。在时间的分配上，我们的学习表塞满课程和活动；在空间配置上，我们无时无刻不在与群体“相濡以沫”。

　　独思的时间，独处的空间，不在我们的学程设计里。
把这个问题说得最透彻的，我认为是清华大学校长梅贻琦。他在一九四一年就指出当时的大学课程设计是有问题的，因为课程以“满”为目标，不给学生“独思”的时间：

　　仰观宇宙之大，俯察品物之盛，而自审其一人之生应有之地位，非有闲暇不为也。纵探历史之悠久，文教之累积，探索人我关系之复杂，社会问题之繁变，而思对此悠久与累积者宜如何承袭撷取而有所发明，对复杂繁变者宜如何应对而知所排解，非有闲暇不为也；人生莫非学问也，能自作观察、欣赏、沉思、体会者，斯得之。

　　在你们七年医学院的学习过程中，诸位想必学到了各种技术，但是，“仰观宇宙之大，俯察品物之盛，而自审一人之生应有之地位”，重不重要？大学是否教了你？“综观历史之悠久，文教之累积，横索人我关系之复杂，社会问题之繁变”，在你的解剖学、病理学、临床课程里，是否有一点点入门？在整整七年的培养中，请问百分之几的时间，是让你用在“观察、欣赏、沈思、体会”之中？

　　再请问，一个不懂得“观察、欣赏、沈思、体会”的人，可不可能是一个好的医生？或者说，一个没有能力“仰观宇宙之大，俯察品物之盛”而对自己的“存在”状态有所思索的人，会是一个第几流的医生？

　　大学课程不容许学生有时间作个人修身的“独思”，它同时不允许学生有独处的空间。四年或七年大学生涯，大半在喧哗而流动的群聚中度过，自己对自己的检讨、探索、深思，难有空间。对此，梅贻琦感叹极深：

　　人生不能离群，而自修不能无独……。至情之制裁，意志之磨励，则固为我一身一心之事，他人之于我，至多亦只所以相督励，示鉴戒而已。自“慎独”之教亡，而学子乃无复有“独”之机会，亦无复作“独”之企求；无复知人我之间精神上与实际上应有之充分之距离，适当之分寸……，乃至于学问见识一端，亦但知从众而不知从己，但知附和而不敢自作主张，力排众议。晚近学术界中，每多随波逐浪之徒，而少砥柱中流之人。

　　“慎独”，其实就是在孤独、沈淀的内在宇宙里审视自己在环境中的处境，剖析人我之间的关系，判别是非对错的细微分野，“慎独”是修练，使人在群体的沈溺和喧闹中，保持清醒。这，大学教了你吗？“情绪之制裁，意志之磨励”，在不在大学的课程里？

　　“只知从众而不知从己”的人，不知“人我之间精神与实践上应有之充分之距离”的人，请告诉我，会是一个第几流的医生？

　　纽约市长布伦伯格是纽约市立大学今年毕业典礼上的演讲人。他送给毕业生的“金玉良言”是：“成功的秘诀其实很简单，就是，你要比别人打拼。如果你比办公室里所有同事都早到，都晚退，而且一年三百六十五天没请过一天病假──你就一定会成功！”

　　他举自己的父亲做为典范：“我父亲就是这样，他从早干到晚，一周七天，一辈子从不休息，干到最后一刻，然后跑到医院挂号，就地死亡。”

　　我看了报纸对这段“金玉良言”的报导，不太敢置信，心想，会不会这位老兄意在反讽，却被居心不良的媒体拿来作文章？于是我找出他演讲的现场录像，从头看到尾，发现，老天，他真是这么说的，而且极其严肃。

　　我想，如果你是以纽约市长这种哲学来培养自己的，我会很恐惧有一天落在你的手里。医生被称为医“生”而不被称为医“死”，是因为，他必须对“生”要有所理解。
二，制度性教育教了你如何认识“实”，但没教你如何认识“空”。

　　我不知道在你们医学的制式教育里，有多少文学的培养？你们全都在摇头，表示没有。我认为，文学应该是医学院的大一必修课程；文学，应该是所有以“人”为第一对象的学科的必修基础学之一，因为文学的核心作用，就是教你认识“人”。

　读过卡谬的小说《瘟疫》的，请举手一下。七十人中只有四个，比例很低。我因为○三年的非典爆发而重读这本小说。小说从一个医生的角度描写一个城市由于爆发瘟疫而封城的整个过程。

　　瘟疫传出时，锁不锁城，有太多的重大决定要做。是什么样的训练，使一个卫生官员做出正确的决定？医学技术绝不是唯一的因素。是什么样的人格，使一个医生可以走却决定留下，不惜牺牲？是什么样的素养，使一个医生知道如何面对巨大的痛苦，认识人性的虚伪，却又能够维持自己对人的热诚和信仰，同时保持专业的冷静？

　　卡谬透过文学所能够告诉你的，不可能写在公共卫生学的教科书里。医学的教科书可以教你如何辨别鼠疫和淋巴感染，可是卡谬的文学教你辨别背叛和牺牲的意义、存在和救赎的本质。

　　多少人读过卡夫卡的《蜕变》？对不起，我觉得《蜕变》，也应该是医学院学生的大一必读。你的医学课本会告诉你如何对一个重度忧郁症患者开药，但是，卡夫卡给你看的，是这个忧郁病患比海还要深、比夜还要黑的内心深沈之处──医学的任何仪器都测不到的地方，他用文学的X光照给你看，心灵的创伤纤毫毕露。

　　是的，文学，是心灵的X光。它照得到“空”。

　　将来的医生，请问你具备吗？

　　分手也是缘分

　　今天在座，我发现，父母、祖父母的人数超过毕业生自己。我愿意对为人父母的，说几句话。恭喜你们。我几乎就看见当年的我自己，坐在毕业生的位子上，也看见我自己的父母，坐在你们的位子上。

　　我那么清楚地记得，我七岁的孩子上小学的第一天，牵着他的手走到学校，然后看着他，背着花花绿绿布满恐龙的书包，消失在教室门口。他不停不停地回头看我，我也万分不舍地痴痴看着他。我也记得十六岁那年他到美国作交换学生，我送他到机场，看着他，背着年轻人的背包，消失在入关口，我站在后面，一直在等他回头看我一眼，但是，他头也不回，一次都没有。

　　于是我逐渐逐渐认识到，原来父女母子一场的缘分，就是注定了你此生要不断地看着他的背影，渐行渐远。今天，是你们的孩子、孙子的“独立日”，其实，你们自己新的一课也从今天开始：学习放手，让他跌倒而不去伸手扶他。我从自己的经验知道，那是多么、多么难受的一堂课。

　　但是很快的，这些毕业生也会发现，他们其实，从今天开始，也在看着他们的父母、祖父母的背影，渐行渐远，离他们而去。

　　在这个意义上，毕业，确实是人生多么重大的时刻。它，对不同世代的人，都是一个快乐奔向前程的时刻，也是一个跟缠绵的记忆、跟温馨的历史分手的时刻。所以对在场的每一个人而言，尽管不同世代，今天都是一种毕业，一种开始。每一个人都需要一种心灵的X光，给自己一种透视人生的智慧，但是心灵的X光执照，取得何其不易。只不过，一旦取得，你就是一个不一样的人，不一样的医生了。

　　祝福你们。

简单是一种幸福

2011-10-23T20:03:00.003+08:00

在long lamai, 小朋友没有 PSP, 没有 ipad, 就这么一个父母用爱心做的木制曼陀螺. 曼陀螺就象传统朴素的头大尖尾的样子, 没什么花样, 没有按钮, 也不需要电池, 就一根绳子拉一下, 小朋友就这么一次又一次把曼陀螺转了又转, 轻脆的笑声充盈了整个乡村. 当西下夕阳下了山的另一方, 大家挥一挥手, 自个儿回家, 也不忘收好那曼陀螺.
我不禁然就想起自个儿的童年- 放风筝, 水沟捉鱼, 偶而收到澳洲邮票那天真无邪的快乐. 曾何几时, 我不开心的日子多过开心的日子, 心里多了那么多期待和欲念, 永远不满足, 放不下手中的一切. 想起师父说的, 放不下失去的牛, 丢不去手中的屠刀, 如何走上菩萨道途. 想想, 生活也可以很简单, 幸福就存在心里.

好的事情

2011-10-23T19:38:00.000+08:00

有人说爱一个人多久,就得用多久来忘掉那份感情. 偶而熨着衬衫, 听来the corrs 的歌, 就想起那段心动不已的日子. 怯懦的我只能承认自己的失败, 无法走完那段旅途. 爱, 就要为彼此祝福. 祝福你, 也谢谢你戴了我八年的路程.

Long Lamai revisited

2011-10-08T16:15:00.004+08:00

Starting with one hour flight at dawn, then eight hours logging road, followed by one hour boat ride in pitch black across Sungai Puak (and I wondered if the crocodiles from Sungai Baram do come here), we finally reached Long Lamai-- a Penan settlement. This is my second visit; I came as a hiker last year, but this year I have come as part of UNIMAS research team.

We were warmly greeted by Wilson, the ketua kampung and some villagers. A surprise was prepared for our late arrival--Joy (Wilson's wife) cooked a meal to welcome us-- simple, but we were all very touched.

Penan is well-known for their nomadic lifestyle for centuries. Hunting and searching for food in the jungles have always been their surviving skills. Agriculture is an imported skill. They are also well known for sharing among the community. Having property is again a learnt experience.

In Long Lamai, the University has set up a telecentre, with six internet-connected computers/ laptops, for almost two years now. The centre is entirely powered by solar- generated energy, and Maxis has provided the VSAT for broadband transmission. A team of six villagers were trained to operate the system and computer, and a local manager is also appointed as our partner to oversee the project. The centre was in operation for a few months when I visited last year, the structure of the village was still fairly primitive although the Penan has stayed in the area for the past 60 years. But I was surprised to see many changes this year-- indoor flush toilets, Astro TV in two families, everyone has planted some vegetables and with covers to prevent the "free-range" chickens from pecking-- they even proudly told me a few plants they have tried to grow after taking the young plants from the jungle.

I ran two days' clinics to allow villagers for check-up and medication. I was impressed that none of the kids have malnutrition problem, although majority have skin infections. The nutrition status has certainly improved. The flip side of that coin is the increasing hypertension incidence among the adults, which is unheard of among Penans in the past. Technology and development has begun to change the lifestyle among Penans, malaria and diarrhoeal disease will longer the main causes of death among Penan, urban diseases such as CVS diseases (Stroke, coronary artery disease) will certainly creep in. With more young people smoke, COAD will come too.

The life of Penan will change. For better, for worse, we may never know. Will they maintain that lovely habit that everyone come together to share? Will that innocence in their hymns remain? We may never know.

Birthday wish 2011

2011-09-16T13:05:00.005+08:00

Life expectancy in Malaysia for female is 78 years. Therefore, I have crossed the half-way mark of my life, as passing the half-way mark in a marathon, I am leaving that beginning struggle, but I am starting to experience fatigue soon. As described by Carl Jung, this mid-life period represents the mid-day sun, before it starts to set. Yet I feel there is much wisdom for me to learn, as miracles continue to manifest everyday.

Human life is so full of contradictions, one side we are chasing after the materialistic worlds full of latest ipad, tab, smartphones or designer goods, on the other side, majority of this world is still living at the edge of hunger and sickness, stricken with poverty. As I saw in my recent overseas trip, where I saw one of the biggest shopping mall in the world with designer goods that one item that cost my years of saving, where one the side of street, I met children playing in the street, naked. On closer look, their family was sleeping underneath the tree with some made-shift temporary shelters. I suddenly felt nausea as I saw a shiny Mercedes drove pass splashing the flooded water onto that fragile shelter.

That night I dreamt of those children’s faces, full of laughters and giggles in the rain, yet contrasting to their adult family members’ eyes filled with despairs. I also dreamt of the African families I have met in the Gambia and Senegal, the Egyptians along the river Nile, the Gypsies I have treated in UK, even the ones in Malaysia, their faces seem to have merged in this strangest dreams. Eventually the hope and despair also merged together.

I prayed to God that night, I wish to replace this contradiction with his wisdom of paradox. As I walked into my latter half of my life, I am more aware of my existence and the world, but there are times, everything still seems so unreal whenever contradictories manifested. Still some more mindful breathings to do, as the lotus comes out of the mud that remains pure and innocent.

Give thanks to this day

2011-08-27T13:26:00.006+08:00

It takes me almost a year to get this framed.

As someone who truly lives in the present moment, wonderful moments flow out. Philip, who framed this really took time to understand this calligraphy and me. The calligraphy has now stood out even clearer, with message transcending to me in a clear, but not in a loud way. Some one truly loves his job. I am truly grateful to this.

I went to have my first proper hair cut since going bald this morning. My hairdresser, Iris, another person who truly loves her job. She is the hairdresser who would trim my hair the fastest and most effectively. No frills. As she was taming my newly grown thick hair, I noticed that her assistant was drying a half-wig. I thought it as strange as I didn't see any guy around. It turned out that belonged to a beautiful lady who has walked into the VIP room. (??) Apparently she has many plastic surgeries, hair is getting thinner, so the wig can cover the scars on the scalp. Wow. Apparently, cosmetic surgery is very common in Kuching. I must be living at the bottom of a pond.

Iris then told me that she was glad that God has entered her life earlier and she was able to live at the present moment, be grateful what she has; if not, she would not know how to cope with these customers around. That's true, with the strong stormy winds around, how can one stay still as a big tree? with the strong currents around, how can one stay still as a rock?

Give thanks to this day. Be still. There is only present moment, wonderful moment.

Text of JK Rowling Speech at Harvard Commencement

2011-08-24T16:12:00.004+08:00

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I have endured at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and convince myself that I am at the world’s largest Gryffindor reunion.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step to self improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that have expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These may seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that would never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension. I know that the irony strikes with the force of a cartoon anvil, now.

So they hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all the subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.

At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.

So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

Now you might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I personally will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working at the African research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to speak against their governments. Visitors to our offices included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had left behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him back to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just had to give him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard, and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathise enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, people who have been kind enough not to sue me when I took their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:

As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.

I wish you all very good lives.
Thank you very much.

An inspiring figure

2011-07-29T21:07:00.004+08:00

Earlier this evening I received message that our colleague and Sg Siput, YB Dr. Michael JeyaKumar and others have just been released from detention under ISO. 27 days of ordeal have ended. They were detained on 2 July on the ground being suspected of notorious activities against the nation, a week before the BERSIH 2.0 campaign.
Before my induction, I didn't look at BERSIH at all. At the induction, a lecturer criticised BERSIH, so I looked up the campaign on the internet--- then I thought, what's wrong with campaigning for a cleaner election? What's wrong with street demonstration? I saw everyday in London. In fact, earlier this year when I was in UK, every Tuesday lunch time, motorcyslists will move around central London to held up traffic objecting the parking fees implementation for motorcycles. Once I couldn't even go to work because the whole country almost run out of petrol while track drivers went on strike. Why is our government so afraid? UK government faces demonstration everyday.
I grew up with freedom of speech, and expression. Yes, my chinese background asked me to respect others, but I also learnt that true respect has to be earned, not demanded.
Then Dr. Jeyakumar was arrested--- who is he?? Then many of my senior colleagues (who have earned my deepest respect) told me of this man, how he has developed deep passion for those less fortunate, and how he served as a junior doctor, along our beloved Sungai Sarawak at Kapit. Many people told similar stories. To me, this man is a socialist (a bit like liberal democrat that I voted for in UK). So sgain, I asked why is our government so afraid?
Today Kumar is released, only after he started hunger strike. A peaceful plead that Gandhi has used. I am relieved that he is safe, but this ordeal has really open my eyes of this government. I may be under-utilised and under-valued working for this government, but today, I realised this government is really sick, and changes must take place. I hope today will mark the beginning of the road to true democracy and cleaner system.
This lotus was given to me by a friend, also a close friend of Dr. Jeyakumar.

Bunyan'sman

2011-07-16T13:11:00.004+08:00

"It may, of course, be a mere repetition of irksome tasks, but this is probably the fault of the practitioner who like Bunyan's man with the muck rake, rakes to himself the straws and sticks and dust of the floor and can look no way but downward regardless of the crown which is being held over his head" W.Pickles, 1947, Cutter's lecture at Harvard University

I have been feeling really depressed recently. Teaching was never my biggest ambition in life. Healing is. I got drifted into current post by accident or fate, whatever you call it. Recent unfortunate events have triggered me to think. Teaching students who don't want to be here in the first place make me not want to be here either. Therefore, teaching becomes a burden, like a mere repetition of irksome tasks. In the past week of filling up some job applications, I looked at William Pickles's quotes that was given to me by a GP mentor 20 years ago, I thought may be I am that Bunyan's man. I have forgotten the crown on my head. Probably it is time for me to take actions and do things that I really like. Look after children, especially children with no voice in the government. Running away will not solve my problems.

Happiness is here and now

2011-05-23T17:16:00.008+08:00

Even since I started to read Thay's writings three years ago, I have always wanted to visit plum village. Timing is everything in this life, opportunity will come when we are ready for it. I was told about his silent retreat a few years ago, but my mind wasn't ready, and I missed the opportunity until last September when Thay did SEA teaching tour, and I was fortune to receive transmission on the FIVE mindfulness training. There is no local Sangha in Kuching, and I do try to become more mindful in everyday life, do my mindful walking/ sitting meditations. Miracles do happen when we put our mind onto it. I installed a mindfulness clock on my work PC, so the hourly bell chimes remind me of miraculous breathings.

As I paid my own way to UK to attend a RCPCH conference, so I decided to hop over to France to visit Plum Village. Expensive trip, but I hold a principle in my life, and always try to pay own way, without even sponsorship from my own employee. Funny enough, the pay off will bring a greater spiritual height every time. Every time I give, I receive more invaluable blessings, which I can't describe in words.

Plum village is everything I have expected, yet it is not. There is no shinning shrine or big golden buddhas. There are three hamlets-- two for sisters, one for brothers. I stayed at Lower Hamlet, where the farmhouses are kept as they were. No locks on the door. Spider webs on all the windows--- hey, spiders are living being, why do you want to destroy their home? We share everything in the community. Everyday is a routine--- waking up at 5.30am, sitting meditation for 30 minutes, then sutra chanting till 7am, followed by walking meditation. Breakfast in silent till 8am, we are all divided into groups for household delight/ working meditation. On the mindfulness day, we will travel to other hamlets/ stay at our hamlet for mindfulness day. Meals here are the best food I have ever tasted, simple, organic and authentic. In the dining hall, there is a clock which chimes every hour, when all of us will stop whatever we are doing, and take mindful breathings. Noble silent will usually start at 9pm till next day, after breakfast.

The week passed by, my soul was so at peace, as if I have finally reached home after a long journey. Truly, happiness is just here and now. Miracles are just around me when my soul is in harmony with the surrounding.

Sister Chew Yi has arrived two weeks before me, and is staying long term. Although we have only met once in September as part of Joyful Sunbird Sangha, I can feel that her soul has really returned home. Blooming like a flower, fresh as a dew, solid as a mountain, firm as mother earth, yet very very free.

As Buddha has told us many thousands years ago, there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. And when one is truly at home, peace is possible, nirvana is here, heaven is within reach. Enlightenment will come within.

As a Christian friend put in, human is full of contradictions, but God is paradox. Plum village is hardly anything complex, yet it is everything. Our teacher, Thay was not there, yet he was everywhere. I think I have come home.

Go Bald to help kids fighting cancer

2011-05-22T17:02:00.005+08:00

I made the decision to support Go Bald campaign after Gary explained the campaign to me last year. I thought the campaign was creative, and can really sharpen my advocacy skills in an unconventional way. As usual, I always take the less traveled way. :)

Actually, Going Bald is not unique in this country. In Singapore, there is Hair for Hope; Shaving for sharing in UK; Locks for Love in Canada. Many years ago, when I was a registrar in a children cancer ward in Bristol Sick Kids, a little girl was so devastated by her hair loss after initiating chemotherapy, then her mother shaved her head to share her daughter's pain, and gave encouragement. All of us in the medical team were very touched. In fact, in our medical mind, we have millions to worry when a child is on chemotherapy, and hair loss is our least concern, so we aren't good at dealing with this. I hope my act of going bald will share that pain, and show my love to the children.

It was truly an unique experience. No doubt I was extremely nervous, first I have to tell my parents, and I even went to the temple where my grandma rested to tell my grandma in spirit as my grandma shaved my head when I was born, and that was the last time I was bald. Family and friends have been tremendous in supporting, and helping to raise fund. It was truly a blessed moment I treasured.

Now walking with an unusual hairstyle, there are head-turning moments and it does spread a message loud and clear to support to help kids with cancer. People around have been really generous, cheques and cash keep coming in for Sarawak Children's Cancer Society, which is really amazing. Saddhu, saddhu.

More info see: gobald.my

Miracles are around us

2011-05-22T16:44:00.003+08:00

During weekday, I frequently run around from one task to the next. I rarely stop and pay attentions to the wonders around me. Sometimes I even forget how I should breath mindfully. One saturday morning, a good friend and I decided to drive to a small kampung just 30 minutes off Kuching. Sitting beside the padi fields, we became children again. All we are concerned then were looking at the wonders God has created around us, like the pair of damsen flies here. With just few human passer-bys, but plentiful of crickets and butterflies. One do find serenity easily. Such moments of peace and innocence have kept me grounded for the coming week.

Come, let's hug each other and begin anew.

2010-11-16T13:33:00.006+08:00

(Courtesy photo of Mr. Teoh TH, Children Wish Society)

Last weekend was so fast-pacing for me, full of tears and laughters with old and new friends, and I managed to sing two happy-birthday songs to two dear friends. Children Wish Society friends were in Kuching to visit three children with terminal illnesses, and most of us got very emotional at the end of the trip. We ended giving each other hugs. Hugging each others then was so spontaneous and healing.

So, what are your thoughts when you hug somebody? I thought this hugging exercise (extracted from retreat practice booklet) I learnt from Thay in September is so inspiring and practical to bring us to the present moments. Hugging can bring much healing, understanding and much love.

"To practice hugging meditation, we first bow and recognise the presence of each other. Then we can enjoy three deep conscious breaths to bring ourselves fully there. We may then open our arms and begin hugging. Holding each other for three in-and-out breaths. With the first breath, we are aware that we are present in this very moment and we are happy. With the second breath, we are aware that the other is present in this moment and we are happy as well. With the third breath, we are aware that we are here together for our togetherness. We then may release the other person and bow to each other to show our thanks."

As we hug each other, we can give each other energy and love, the unspoken message comes out clearly, "Dear friend, I am here. Breathing in, I am so happy to hug my beloved friend. Breathing out, I know you are real and alive in my arms, I treasure you."

Inter-being

2010-09-28T22:41:00.003+08:00

I went to the mamak stall this afternoon to get my caffeine fixed. While I was sipping my coffee, I remembered Sister Joy’s story of her connection with her father: During a road trip, she was the driver, and the passenger was another Sister from the Sangha, who kept giving her advice on driving. Sister Joy got a bit irritated, but she took three mindful breaths, then she remembered how irritated her father can get with another “back seat driver” and all his little mannerisms in her as well, so she smiled to her father and herself; she told the other sister how she felt, and how her father usually felt with another “back seat driver”. I thought that was a lovely story to share. No doubt, genetically, we inherited 50% from our father, and another 50% from our mother.

My love of coffee is definitely from my family, especially my dad. I could still remember the coffee pot sitting at the kitchen behind the Book shop at Indian Street. Everyone in the family must sip one cup before the start of the day. All my cousins and relatives are scattered all corners of the worlds, and had different beliefs, held different jobs, but when we get together for family wedding or chinese new year, our preferred drink is still coffee. My grandmother passed away almost 25 years ago, but I still remembered how we drank coffee together. Therefore, as I sipped my coffee alone in that mamak stall, I was not lonely, I smiled to my grandmother. I took another sip, I remembered my parents, and my relatives. They are all in me. There is no separate self. We are connected.

No coming No Going by Thay

No coming, no going, no after, no before;

I hold you close to me, I release you to be free.

Because I am in you, and you are in me.

Song of gratitude

2010-09-27T21:08:00.012+08:00

This is for my friend, Jannie, who made me the best birthday gift I had ever received. Also thank you to AiLin, who has such strong connection with me. Thank you, ladies, for sharing your stories with me. This song (lyrics by Thich Nhan Hanh) is for you.

Thank you for letting me fly,

High, high above the sky.

Thank you for letting me smile,

Smile, smile throughout day and night.

Thank you for letting me cry,

The tears from deep down inside.

Thank you for being my light,

A guardian angel by my side.

Thank you for opening my eyes,

And making the world so bright.

Present moment, wonderful moment

2010-09-27T20:45:00.004+08:00

(Photo courtesy of Dr. Alan Ch'ng. "Come, sit like a Buddha and smile" :))

The Five Mindfulness Trainings represent the Buddhist vision for a global spirituality and ethic. They are a concrete expression of the Buddha’s teachings on the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path, the path of right understanding and true love, leading to healing, transformation, and happiness for ourselves and for the world. To practice the Five Mindfulness Trainings is to cultivate the insight of interbeing, or Right View, which can remove all discrimination, intolerance, anger, fear, and despair. If we live according to the Five Mindfulness Trainings, we are already on the path of a bodhisattva. Knowing we are on that path, we are not lost in confusion about our life in the present or in fears about the future.

Reverence For Life

Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating the insight of interbeing and compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. Seeing that harmful actions arise from anger, fear, greed, and intolerance, which in turn come from dualistic and discriminative thinking, I will cultivate openness, non-discrimination, and non-attachment to views in order to transform violence, fanaticism, and dogmatism in myself and in the world.

True Happiness

Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking, speaking, and acting. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others; and I will share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering; that true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion; and that running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair. I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy. I am committed to practicing Right Livelihood so that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on Earth and reverse the process of global warming.

True Love

Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.

Loving Speech and Deep Listening

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.

Nourishment and Healing

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I will practice looking deeply into how I consume the Four Kinds of Nutriments, namely edible foods, sense impressions, volition, and consciousness. I am determined not to gamble, or to use alcohol, drugs, or any other products which contain toxins, such as certain websites, electronic games, TV programs, films, magazines, books, and conversations. I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. I am determined not to try to cover up loneliness, anxiety, or other suffering by losing myself in consumption. I will contemplate interbeing and consume in a way that preserves peace, joy, and well-being in my body and consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family, my society and the Earth.

Happiness is here and now by Plum village

2010-09-27T13:55:00.001+08:00

Happiness is here and now.
I have dropped my worries.
Nowhere to go.
Nothing to do.
No longer in a hurry.

Happiness is here and now.
I have dropped my worries.
Somewhere to go.
Something to do.
But I don't need to hurry.

Stuck in the mud

2010-09-11T21:37:00.003+08:00

Do you feel stuck in life?

I was catching up with a friend this afternoon, and she felt really frustrated at her life but yet unable to do anything about it.

I supposed everyone has been through this “stuck in the mud” feeling. Two years ago, I was at the bottom of depression stage, and felt suicidal most of the time then. I remembered as I broke down eventually, and did have the insight to seek help, I asked, “I am so fxxxed up, how will I able to live the rest of my life without feeling stuck?”

Yes, I read the poem “footprint”, and understand that the LORD has been with me all this while, but I felt stuck in the mud, I felt I was carrying a cross absorbing all the guilt and blames from myself and all those around me. All I saw then was just pure darkness in front of me.

What required was actually radical changes in mind and soul; looking into own core values in life, find a way out. It is not easy to make certain decisions in life, but I learnt to seek wisdom and understand my own core values.

This question was put forward to DR. Huang Mei Liang, an artist with dystonic cerebral palsy. She has speech problem as well as movement disorders. How does she cope in life? Doesn’t she feel stuck? Her answer was very practical, “take as a challenge, and if she really can’t solve the problem, she will leave it. Then after a cooling period, she will hopefully find a solution.” She can’t button up a shirt, so she bought those without buttons. If she needs to wear a jacket with buttons to see President Ma, she will walk over to her neighbour with a basket of fruit, and ask her to help. She can’t open a can, she will then buy a cup of coffee from a kopitiam downstairs and ask the owner to open the can after giving her the coffee.

“山不轉路轉，路不轉人轉，人不轉心轉” If hill does not turn, road turn; if road does not turn, people change; if people do not change, a paradigm shift is then needed.

I sincerely hope my friend will get out of being stuck in the mud.

(The above painting by DR. Huang ML was exhibited in Kuching during her visit in Aug this year)

Have courage, be patient

2010-07-15T21:51:00.005+08:00

There are times when one in troubles, one will doubt oneself, and feels alone. Sometimes I do feel discouraged, after all, not everyone think the same, especially I always take the road less traveled. Am I wasting my time? Nobody can tell. I am sure someone said the same thing to Columbus before he set off the sails.

I just want to follow my compass in my heart. To serve.

"Let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone." Galathians 6:9

We are now entering the new era of wisdom, I must have faith in this promised land that Martin Luther King Jr has seen. Longevity is no longer a concern anymore, nor should I doubt anymore.

Steve Jobs: How to live before you die

2010-07-08T12:51:00.000+08:00

Ted talk by Aditi Shakardass

2010-07-08T12:21:00.002+08:00

1 in 6 children suffers from developmental problem, and is often the area most professionals neglect in this country. They are given a "orang kurang upaya" status with minimal support. What Aditi says here is not new, it is very dangerous to label a diagnosis. Much lateral thinking must be applied when we see child with delayed developmental milestones. Beyond her talk, I would like to add that every child has his/ her sparkles, we just need to look closer.

The story of the pencil

2010-06-04T09:01:00.002+08:00

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:

‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’

His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:

‘I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.

‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’

‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.

‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’

‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’

‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

Easily my favourite essay from "Like the Flowing River" by Paulo Coelho

A long lost link

2010-06-02T17:15:00.005+08:00

On my recent Ulu Baram trip, I went around a few Penan houses in Long Lamai on a request of a facebook friend---his Penan employee has left home 20 years ago and has not returned. My task was to find his long lost family and relay his message. I sat down in his parents' house, which consists of only two rooms: a small kitchen, and a small living/ sleeping area. The elderly Penan couples must be in their late 70s as they could hardly hear me. I looked around the kitchen with hardly any food, and very little possesion in their living room. This is such a contrast to anyone in the city. Is poverty a natural fact of life?
As I relayed the long lost son's message, I can see a sparkling tears from the elderly woman. Through his grand-daughter, she asked me to relay her message to her son, "please come home when you can." My heart skipped a beat, and I quickly looked away. Every mother is the same. My mother used to say that to me when I was overseas.
This longing face will linger in my head for many months to come.
(Photo courtesy of Tan Wee Ming)

sparkles at the corner

2010-05-26T10:20:00.003+08:00

There are things in life may seem insignificant or even obstructive, when we aren't giving enough attention.
In recent years, I have slowly gained joy in looking after children with special needs. When I was younger, life was so busy, and everything needs to be done in a flash, these children have always become my "no touch" area. Perhaps, I was not mature enough to gain their trust, and was not patient to sit down and see that sparkles in their eyes.
Yet, today, so many of them would walk into clinic and give me a "high-five" and some even "high-ten". Their smiles are infectious, and more sincere than anyone I have met. The journey is long, and hard, some children took so long to have so little improvement. These children are fierce fighters, if given opportunity, and true, there are much we can learn from them.
Through the years, some relationships have blossomed. I share deeply the pain and joy with the parents along the journey. It is truly a privilege to be part of their life.
I wish one day I can write a poem for all children with special needs and their parents. I will work on that. Thank you for showing up in my life.

Today is a blessed day

2010-05-24T20:56:00.008+08:00

Today may be a bad day, where nothing goes smoothly-- overslept, missed my routine yoga, have an argument with mom, internet was damn slow, and students weren't paying attention, kids' conditions weren't so good....So I took a big breath in, thought of God, thought the peace within a lotus, thought of my presence, and thought of my blessings, then I become grateful....no matter how bad a day is, we still need to carry on.

No matter how heartbroken I am, I still need to continue this journey. The journey itself is a blessing. If I fell, I will experience pain, then I will be more humble. If I achieve, I will be grateful for I am blessed.

So, good day, bad day, sunny day, rainy day, the journey must continue. I am still blessed compared to millions sleeping on the street, with neither food nor shelter.

I must always keep that lotus in my heart. Really count my blessings, appreciate them, and cultivate more to others.

(Photo courtesy of Teacher Richard He)

At the bottom of social class

2010-05-09T13:18:00.006+08:00

"Buy from me...buy from me....." The constant chanting of the Black Hmong girls on the street of SaPa Valley reminded me so much of the African kids, "give me dalsai, give me dalasi" The difference is the former is trying to sell, the other is begging.
I went into a black Hmong house on tourist route. Not so much difference from our poor bumiputera house on Borneo highland. The whole family of ten will squeeze inside a house with hardly partition, the back is used for cooking using wood fire, and the front is sitting/ sleeping area. The family income is less than USD $2 a day. Way below poverty line. According to United Nation, around 25,000 people die from hunger-related illness every day, that's one person every 3.5 seconds!! And more than half will be children, that's why we studied under-5 mortality, 40% will be from poverty striken Sub-saharan area. Same in Malaysia, Sarawak has one of the highest under-5 mortality rate and more than half are from poor family.
It does make one wonder when we frontline medical officers working so hard to save each life, economic revolution may be one of the solution to achieve our millenium goal of reducing under-5 mortality by 30%. I saw the Black Hmong people being so poor in the valley, a lot of agriculture works are still done mannualy. Therefore a farming family will need every single pair of hand to help, especially their crop is only once a year due to the harsh weather. How can one persuade a family to give up that pair of hands from farming to holding pencil and book? That will be the hurdle all poor families face. To get over this, it really takes a whole village to raise a child. I do wonder when I will get to see the end of the poverty.

(the bottom picture is a courtesy of Darren Jee)

Reflections in life

2010-05-09T13:11:00.002+08:00

As I was driving to meet my best buddy for lunch on Friday, the radio DJ was saying, "we must live our life in a correct story, and live up to our role on stage". How true it is. As Shakespeare pointed out, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts...."life is like a stage, we all have a role to play. Each of us have a story to play, but whether we are playing out a correct and responsible story, fulfilling our purposes, that's always an option we are facing. I always believe that we are placed in this world for a purpose, and we must be aware of that destiny, take action to reach there. Along the journey, no doubt we will fall and hurt ourselves, but this is part of gaining wisdom. Once a good friend told me, to heal a broken heart, we need ground the broken pieces into the earth and rebuild. I suppose it is like phoenix, to rebirth, one need to burn into ashes inside the flames before a new life can start.

If only...

2010-03-15T07:50:00.004+08:00

According to UNICEF, our adult literacy rate is 92%. Many Sarawakians still thumbprint when they sign for their consent form in hospital. I still remembered how my grandmother struggling to write numbers when I was learning to hold pencil myself. So the two of would sit at a corner practising numbers. The moments I now realise how special they were. If only I could re-live those moments with her, and try to speak my hakka better. 8 years old Sabena here has taken almost 1 year to learn to write her name, well, she was busy taking care of the family, and I was busy with my clinical commitment as well. Looking at her smile here, I wish I had spend more time with her. If only I could give her more power to read, and inject that dignity into her already vibrant character.
Life is full of "if only..." I guess I have to do better with my next "assignment".

the moment

2010-03-12T11:13:00.004+08:00

We always face moments in life: moment of joy, moment of shivering of our hearts, moment of sadness, moment of hopelessness, moment of solitude, moment of peace....
At times, it is pure emptiness, like the moment of calligraphy between words or the pauses between music scores. This emptiness can suck all our soul away like the black-holes. Being mindful of the PRESENT moment, being grateful of what we have, and forgive ourselves will be the kindest gesture to do. As quoted by Virginia Woolf, "we can not find peace by avoiding life. To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is...at last, to love it for what it is, and then to put it away."
I am grateful to have friends that are able to capture the moments through their camera lens. I am grateful that I got sent music, paintings, stories or movies that give moments. Some friends are simply great for being PRESENT for me.
Appreciate and enjoy the present moment, let go when time comes, cultivate more if God allows.

God's special child

2010-03-12T08:09:00.010+08:00

I saw a little toddler with possible autistic spectrum disorder yesterday.Father is a pastor that I have known and belonged to a church that I respect a lot. It is the couple's only child, of course, this came a great shock to them. What I found difficult is how best I can support a friend who has great experience in counseling others. As I felt my inadequacy, I turned to my regular mindful breathing and be PRESENT.
I found one of my favourite poem this morning, I am not sure when I should give this to the parents, but I am sure with our support, the family can pull through this darkest valley.

I'm sending you a child to cherish in my name,

For you to love with all your heart and teach him just the same,

For he is not like other babies nor will he ever be,

But you can love him just the same and take good care of him for me.

He may not hear or see or run or learn as others do,

But he'll be yours and he will take his guidance all from you,

The road is hard. He'll break your heart, you'll cry a million tears,

But I promise you when he smiles at you, the pain soon disappears.

I know you'll cry, "why him, why us" But I needed teachers true,

And that is why with care and trust, I've selected you.

So please don't turn your back on him, although he may be slow,

If you'll accept him as he is, then together you will grow.

He needs to learn the skills of life, for that I've chosen you,

And with your love to guide him, I know you'll see him though,

Don't cry to see the future, I promise that to none,

Just live each day for all its worth, and enjoy my special one.

Roma Crowhurst, Mother of a handicapped child

Shadows

2010-03-11T07:37:00.006+08:00

I was intrigued by the shadows of the balcony here as I was trying to breath in sweet scent from the forest. The intensity and its shape moves as the light moves. The contrast of shadow and light reminded of a dark painting by Picasso I saw many years ago.

As Jung pointed out, our unconscious mind is like our shadow; As we become acutely aware of our shortcomings, we must also understand there is always light on the other side of the shadow. Psalm 23:4 says it all: Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. However, it is us must dealt with our own shadows, immerse ourselves in mid-day warm sun, and breath in the sweet scent from earth. Lit ourselves like the candles, shine into each others' hearts, burnt all our energy till the last drop of the wax, and melt ourselves back to where we come from, in PEACE.

social conversation

2010-03-10T11:02:00.001+08:00

This is a conversation on a lunch table where I was invited to a friend's house. My friend was busy serving us dishes, and her 4 year old boy was asking questions.

Son: Mommy, I want that egg.....
Mommy (without turning to her son): wait a minute....
Son; Mommy...
Mommy: wait wait...
Son: Mommy, why aren't you looking at me while speaking to me?
Mommy: wait...
Son: Mommy... if you carry on speaking like that, I am entering your "voice mail" already.

Wahhaha... I thought my friend's teaching on her son's social function has paid off!! We teach our little children with good manners, you must speak to each other with good eye contact. Recently, I started to see some 4-5 years old little referred to our community based paediatric clinic with social integration problems at Taska. Typical scenarios: both parents are busy working, sent to baby sitter/ cared by maid, and watched TV 6-8 hours a day from birth onward. @_@
Of course, there are some children with Autism/ ADHD, but lots of these are simply social skills deprivation. According to a Klang Valley study, a father speak to his child <6 minute/ day on average, mom is a bit longer 8 minutes....speechless...:x
Please be reminded AAP recommendation: no screen (no TV/ computer/ h'phone) for under 2 years old, and limit TV time to 2 hour/ day.
AAP recommendation:

幸福

2009-12-29T16:13:00.001+08:00

在一個很忙碌的早上，大約是8:30，一個大約八十歲的老人家，想找一個醫生幫他拆線。他很趕；但醫生正在幫人做手術，所以，他一直在等，不停地看錶。當時這個護士自己不是太忙，看著老人家好像很趕似的，自己又沒什麼好做,好吧!讓我來幫他拆線吧！我叫那個伯伯先坐下，然後，我再把傷口上的布一層一層地拆下，一邊拆一邊和那個伯伯閒聊。護士小姐特然好奇地問：「為什麼你這麼趕？」「是呀！因為我約了人9:00，真不好意思，麻煩了你！」護士好奇的想：八十多歲的老人家應該不用上班的了，什麼事情讓他那麼趕呢？老人家說：「是呀…是呀…我要趕去老人療養院陪我的老婆吃早餐。」護士小姐就更加好奇：「啊呀！原來是進了療養院啊！沒有什麼嘛？」老人家答：「啊！沒事了，柏金遜症罷了，都好一段日子的了。」護士小姐幫他拆好了線，看一看錶：「哎呀！你會遲到，怕不怕你的太太會擔心你呀？」老人說：「不會，這五年來她都不認得我了，我去不去，其實她都不知道。」護士小姐很好奇地問：「她已經不認得你五年之久啦！？你還每天早上都去？」老人笑笑口，拍拍護士的手說：「她不認得我，但我認得她，那就可以了。」跟著他就慢慢轉身走了。護士看著他的背影，眼淚慢慢地落下來了。她自己想：這就是我需要的愛情。真正的愛情不只是身體上，不只是講浪漫氣氛；真正的愛情是接受，接受以前的對方，現在的對方和將來的對方。無論他以前是怎樣，現在或將來是怎樣，快樂的人不一定要最好。

Courtesy of my SiFu, Mr. He.

One lesson in a hot afternoon.

2009-11-01T22:03:00.007+08:00

Salam OneMalaysia..... even our Minister, Datuk Liow said it in his speech in our recent openning ceremony of World Congress in KL. Funny, isn't it? After we have been together in this land for so long and we have to remind ourselves that we are one big family with a slogan. I thought God created us to love each other in the first place.
I went with Tzu-Chi people this afternoon to help with some home visits for clarifications on some school scholarships. One thing great about Tzu-Chi, they treat everyone with compassion, regardless of sex, age and certainly races and religions. Recipients of scholarship are of diverse religions and races, and only base on necessity. But I was surprised to see the volunteers this afternoon were of different races, including a Malay Muslim wearing a Tzu-Chi uniform. There are also some Christians volunteers joinning in as well.
When asked why they join Tzu-Zhi? They said it was more of the simplicity and love towards earth in Tzu-Chi that attract them. Something I learned this afternoon (谢谢你, 明媚师姐), there are four types of people: those who are rich and are able to live life richly, those who are poor but are able to live life richly, those who are rich but live life poorly, those who are poor but live life poorly too. Which one are you?

How do you spend your day?

2009-11-01T20:04:00.003+08:00

How do you spend your day?
In a recent World Congress I have attended in KL, a Portugese study revealed that our teenagers (aged 10-16 years) spent an average of 5 hours a day in sedentary activities: watching TV 2h20m, computer 1h50m, video game 50m. The average time spent on physical activity is 2.5h per week. No wonder, some scientists predicted our body will get fatter and our brain will shrink in the future.
I have stopped watching TV for almost a decade now. But I admitted I can’t live without my laptop and handphone. But can these replace our human relationship? Nothing can replace that tender moment when a mother cheering for her son on the stage, which I have the privilege to share with Nuzul and his family this morning. Nuzul was my first premature baby I have the privilege (Thank you God for this opportunity) to look after when I was first posted in Miri. He went through a stormy hospital stay with bleeding in his head and leading to numerous operations in Kuching. However, he is such fighter and stayed to inspire us. He was enrolled to a local kindergarden in August this year, and it took his mother, Asfarina, to visit 3 kindergardens before the current one accepted his disability (He is currently still learning how to stand). But he has thrived on his new environment, and seeing him sitting in the centre of the stage really brought tears to all of us. I reminded myself to always act on the best interest on the child, and never ever treat anyone with judgmental discrimination.
Talking of discrimination, one of my passions is to lift people from poverty. One of my colleagues have said that, “you should only help people if they have initiatives to help themselves.” Well, I don’t know. Yes, I will never give money to young-looking, reasonably healthy beggar. What about children who ask for scholarship to go to school? I helped Tzu-Chi this afternoon with some home visits in a slum area in Miri. Yes, we do have slum in Miri- houses with no running water and electricity, outdoor toilet, roofs that need repairing. Yes, there are parents are “lazy” bums, or drunkards. But there are some kids with remarks from teachers such as “good and neat student, very hardworking” “can do better if given opportunity”, etc. A couple of girls were looking after their younger siblings when we did home visits. Some have lost their mothers, and hence the house is really a mess. I think these kids deserve a chance, and it only cost us just a little more than a hundred ringgits for their school fee a year.
I am sure how others spend their weekend. But I spend my weekend looking at the birds outside my porch, chasing after sunset, making kids laugh, and running around these crazy places looking for those magical moments that bring us together.

1989 class.... 20 years later...

2009-09-20T13:21:00.005+08:00

We must count our blessings that we can get together in our old school last night, 20 years after we left school. Memories really flooded back when our headmaster Hii gave his speech. Some teachers have aged, some are still the same. I was having difficulties at times remembering names, but everyone was so happy to see each other. We were all very emotional while singing for our teachers in appreaciation, and many of us were also singing our school song for the first time again in 20 years.
Thank you for such a magical night.

Haze & H1N1.... cucumber lassi is my cure

2009-08-09T14:59:00.004+08:00

I spent the whole morning sitting in Miri airport yesterday, at the end, my flight to Sibu was cancelled. Luckily, my colleagues has managed to fill in for my talks. **sign** I have spent a few nights up preparing for the slides, and hoped to bring up the issues of children's rights in our country. God has other plans for me.
The haze in Miri has rose up to 148 (101-200 is unhealthy) recently, and there are still bush fire around the town and Kuala Baram. This has caused my flight being cancelled. It obviously has worsenned the number of people being sick, more people are getting exacerbation of asthma, and recent increased local transmission of H1N1. A&E in Hospital Miri is seeing almost 400 people a day. I have never seen A&E being so busy since I come to Miri 5 years ago. We seems to see more premature babies being born, we even ventilated babies in our treatment room. Wonder if mothers are having flu and causes the premature labour??
Due to the sudden increase of patients, we run out of infusion pumps, SpO2 monitor (babies have to share!!), and we run out of oxygen on the wall for almost 20 minutes 10 days ago. It was very scary. Our attendent ran to other general wards to get O2 tanks. We were ambubagging babies with room air, at that time we 8 babies on IPPV and 3 on CPAP. I can't remember how many little ones were on nasal prong O2, but even they became cyanosed. How can you expect a tiny 1kg to breath room air?? Some of them are bigger, but have chronic lung disease. Geez...and Faber said "tak sangka awak habis cepat!" I also don't want to have sick babies admitted, but we have to help the sick. Thank God nobody died during that crisis.
I am making myself more and more fruit smoothies and lassi these days. Love them, especially the weather is very hot now. The picture here is apple, cucumber and yoghurt mix. Yum Yum. I will wave this yummy stuff in front of that 2 years old child in ICU to motivate her to get better. That reminds me to buy some 100plus for a teenager, who won't drink, in the ward.

Dear Yasmin, rest in peace, we shall miss you....

2009-07-29T22:13:00.002+08:00

It is happening all too fast. I heard that you were sent to the hospital, so I prayed that you will recover amd produced more art for us, as I just can't get enough laughters and tears from your advert and movies. Next minute I was told that you are no longer with us.

I truly love all your Petronas production and movies, especially "Sepet". You are so truthful to the real Malaysians. Yasmin, rest in peace, a true Malaysian.

Doctor is the worst patient

2009-06-15T21:44:00.003+08:00

I frequently complain that patients should always come early whenever they have symptoms. Just get medical advice. I admit that I am contradicting myself when it come to my own health.
I got this toothache since March, and did go to our junior dental officer in Miri. She gave a good cleaning and gave me a good pass, complimenting that I don't have any filling. So I thought I probably didn't clean my teeth eanough, and increased my brushing to three times a day, plus changing toothpaste and frost whenever I remember. The pain continues, then I was on leave- typical government doctors' life, we have to be on call more often before leave, and come back to do more calls. So I kept on chewing on the other side.
Eventually I went today for another check up as I noticed a pale swelling (??abscess, but I have no fever) 10 days ago. Why didn't I go earlier...sign.... busy in intensive care, and didn't want to disturb outside office hour. Also didn't want to sit on dental chair. (call me coward)... So it is abscess. Worst still, I lost a tooth. The tooth had a fracture down to the bone, and the surrounding tissue is badly infected. After the abscess is burst, I started to feel unwell with chills and rigors. Now I feel depressed. I could have saved my tooth if I can just spare half hour to see my dental colleague.
I also thank God. I delayed this for more than three months, it could be worse; as some of my colleagues with worst symptoms, but continue to carry on working and ignore the symptoms, then ended up with advanced cancer.

Last exam is over!

2009-06-09T20:12:00.003+08:00

Last exam- nutrition and infection is over. Phew. I am not sure if I will take another distance learning course again. The past five years were very lonely, although I do go online to discussion forum (not very active one), the learning on my own is tough.
But it did give me some insight into infection and more, including economics, management skills and research activities. Learning will never stop till we drop to the ground.

Baby sign language

2009-06-07T08:37:00.004+08:00

This baby is 13 months old, whose knowledge of baby sign language is amazing. Children brain is fastinating. I recently attended a RCPCH course in London, where I was laerning about baby brain and learning. The college showed how a 30 minutes baby mimic his father's facial expression.
Why sign? I assume we are born with sensory of smell, vision, hearing and taste first. We can only express through crying. As we grow older, the development is cranial-caudal direction, so we will use our hands from six months onwards to develop hand-eye coordination. This is when we should start teaching baby sign language, which is much easier for babies to learn.To express our feeling through language is at much later stage.
I have seeing good results in children with disability learning signs. Normal babies are learning even more. I feel most of the signs will need facial expression and body movement as well, it makes the whole learning really fun.
Further information can found on various websites including the one with the video above: http://www.mysmarthands.com/Site/Baby_Sign_Language.html

It is 30 years today since Tiananmen Square protest

2009-06-04T21:02:00.003+08:00

Has anyone remembered this?
I remembered I was in the last year of secondary school, and the protest has really made an impact on me. China has since opened her door to the world, and economic reform has changed the living standard of many. We are still waiting on the political reform and freedom of speech.
Tonight, I will lit a candle and remember those had died on this day.

dyslexia

2009-06-03T17:22:00.006+08:00

Okay. I do admit I can't spell occasionally, especially some quick emails or comments in FB, even on this blog, which doesn't have spell-check tool. But I always try to write professional letter in a professional way with correct grammar and spelling, with little abbreviation.
Look at this letter I recieved last clinic:
"Dear Dr, this pt's mother c/o pt unable to concentrate in school- unable to read and write. claims able to talk normally. claims development of child normal. only unable to sit still and concentrate. keen for further investigation. please kindly r/v him for your expect opinion"
My dear Lord has helped me at that time and I managed to sit on my chair without falling over. Am I going to be an expert here to correct his spelling mistake or complete the scanty history he has given here? Luckily (Thank you, God), when I gave the child some crayons and papers, he sat quietly at a corner and I was able to get all the information from mother.

social injustice

2009-06-03T14:57:00.008+08:00

Much changes have happened since I left UK 5 years ago. On my trip to London a few weeks ago, I noticed that UK has visibly become a much more multi-cultural society, even train staions has two languages (I am not talking of Wales, which has been bilingual for as long as I know). Great Ormond Street Hospital's patient information counter is equiped with patient information leaflets in different languages, including two versions of chinese, urdu, tamil, punjabi, italian....we can get a copy for visually impaired copy if we ask for it as well. I vaguely remember our government was arguing that more languages in place may be confusing, obviously, our intelligence is underestimated in this country.
During my stay in London, I watched a heart-warming document, Off by heart, which is part of BBC's national poetry campaign. It documented UK national competition in which schoolchildren aged from 7 to 11 compete to recite chosen poems publicly, and of the final was held in the Sheldonian Theatre, Oxford. The overall winner was Yazdan Isfahani, who spoke only Farsi when his family arrived in Britain seven years ago (when he was just four years old), seeking asylum from Iran. He beat 1,500 pupils from state and private primary schools across Britain. The finalists showed in the program reflected the multi-cultural status in UK: 2 of the 12 children had Iranian parentage and another was a Welsh speaker. Two children were from working farms, two from independent schools, three were bilingual, four non-white.
“It made me very proud of myself,” Yazdan commented. “You know that advert: ‘You don’t have to be posh to be privileged’? It’s like you don’t have to be English to learn these poems. People from other countries can do it too, and that’s what I wanted to prove." Am I able to prove that in Malaysia, being a second generation born in Malaysia?
Of course, there is much anticipated Britain got talents show in the recent weeks, where youtube has the most popular hit for Susan Boyle. But the final winner is Diversity, and the members are truly diverse. None of them is typical 18th century English nobleman in your imagination.
This acceptance of diverse social and cultural background is also reflected in my recent visit to Swansea medical school.
With USM recently hit the headline where some rejected students actually had extremely good exam results really sadden me. After more than 50 years of independence, we still stuck at this color issue? Why can't the university accept students based on the talents and potential? Why can't the government appoint people based on qualification and ability?
I remember inspiration I felt from Martin Lurther King Jr's speech "I have a dream" when I was a teenager, and now we have a black president. Do we Malaysians even prepare to take step to ask for a PM based on ability, not his or her background?
For us working in healthcare, lots of doctors aren't even aware of Alma-Alta declaration in 1978, where health equity has been championed. 20% of doctors working with children in Malaysia aren't aware of Children's rights by UN convention, which will be 20 years end of this year. I must not be in despair, as Martin Lurther King Jr said in his last speech, he has seen the Promised Land. So true he was in his own prediction, he might not be with us and he is not, but we will get to that Promised Land. So I must pray to my Creator for more strength and faith.

Malaysia-UK= expensive, friendship= priceless

2009-05-21T20:01:00.004+08:00

Well, Jane has hoped that I will bring some Malaysian warmth to Donington Le Heath, but british weather is being typical, and we had hail and heavy rain instead. It was great to see Jane again, and she fed me as she did when we were in the Gambia together. I literally had all my favourite English food: English breakfast, roast lamb, fish (whales' size!!) & chip, English summer pudding, etc.
Ann and John were great too; it was nice to see their house in Birmingham again. We talked about volunterism, and of course, Ann and John had volunteered in China and India since. It is great encouragement from them that we could volunteer at any age.
Congratulations to Steve Allen, new professor at University of Swansea. I remembered how he grabbed me out of WHO malnutrition course, and said "enough of work!, let's go river-cruising." I did protest at that time and said, "I am a volunteer, and don't do toubab thing" He was right at the end, I was so tired with the whole organisation for the course and really needed the break. As usual, he pointed to new ways of thinking to me as I stand on my career cross-road right now. Thank you, Steve.

Wesak weekend

2009-05-13T11:50:00.004+08:00

One must learn something new everyday, especially on an enlightenning Wesak festival, when we remember the teachings from our spiritual teacher. I spent the Wesak weekend with Malaysian Nature Society Miri branch trekking for some bidwatching activities. The lake near Curtin University was really amazing; we saw flocks of whistling ducks, some cattle egrets, some bittens (still can't tell which is which... when I said yellow birds, others just rolled their eyes.), common moorhens (some were in pairs, and seemed to be in "lovers" flight!!).....
Nazeri of MNS gave a talk to a bunch of 12-year old school kids in Bekenu on Sunday. The kids were amazing, and absorbed like a sponge. Nazeri was having problems explaining bird breeding activities (buat burung kecil?!!). Next thing we knew when we were out in the field, when one Starling was sitting on his mate... all the kids were shouting, "burung breeding!!" Kids are truly amazing!!

Counting down to earth hour

2009-03-15T12:17:00.002+08:00

Let's make the statement together!! Switch off your light, turn off your tv and computer....What will you do in this dark and silent hour? I know I will meditate and pray. Be thankful to our Father and ask for His love to heal. Use this hour to show your love and peace to Mother Earth. With this, I hope our future generation will continue to see the beauty of this world.
Let me know what you shall do with your family in this precious one hour?

Happy Niu Year

2009-01-26T11:51:00.003+08:00

Time is flying and it is new year again. Happy Niu Year to everyone. Hope everyone will work hard together to face the crisis in the forthcoming year.
It's been three weeks since I came back to work in Hospital Miri. So far, I have been having that constant "feel good" factors. Both nursery and Paed wards were in a "equipments-poverty state" when I came 5 years ago, but now we are pretty much equiped with new ventilators, monitors, gas machines, USS machines, etc. I feel my "endless" complaints and letters a few years ago has finally paid off, and now we have to work on the discriminary difference of MO numbers. I have decided to utilise myself as a magnet- a better friend to MOs, a better trainer, and a better inspirating model. I hope we can more MOs in this family in the new year.
God has showed his grace in many ways. Parents recognised me in the street, and greeted me warmly. Just their words "it is so good to have you back" gave me energy. One of them even delivered a huge chocolate cake to me, hearing that I am on call over CNY. Thank you so much. I was just doing my job then, now I must do better.
There are obviously still much I want to do for children in Northern Sarawak: child protection, children with disability, primary health awareness.... etc. I hope I can work better with new DHO, welfare, police, education, my new colleagues in hospital and of course, children and their family, in the year 2009. I pray to God that he will continue to hold my hands through difficult times.

sarawak landscape

2009-01-06T07:03:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year.. a bit late, I know.
So I have left the elegant hills in Perak, but I am coming back to these....
My 2009 plan: more trekking... more discovery of waterfalls.... more diving..more star counting.. of course all these come after putting more smiles to children's faces.

Christmas Eve with Chyi Yu

2008-12-25T12:04:00.006+08:00

I was moved with tears with Chyi Yu's voice last night. She was just as beautiful as I imagine she would be and her voice was like from heaven, especially singing christmas carols. She started with "stories", which I love since I was 15. Then of course "the olive tree", which is my old time favourite. This song has different layers of meaning as I grow, as it used to mean "freedom" to me, as I would like to wonder around the world like the song writer San Mao. But of course, I am in search of that olive tree within my heart at present moment, and looking for peace.
Then of course, when Chyi Yu sang "I do" to Jesus even though being a buddhist, and I realised how blessed I am. I must start value myself more.
Merry Christmas to all my friends and family on this significant day. May you all have a blessed year ahead.

These are the hands

2008-12-14T09:51:00.004+08:00

These are the hands.
As I am busy tidying up my last days in West Malaysia, this poem warms my heart, and I thank everyone working in the health care. All of us touches patients (in my case, children) one way or another. I sincerely hope that I can fullfil the job God has granted me.
Happy 60th birthday, NHS UK.

Penang Bridge Run

2008-11-23T15:41:00.003+08:00

So this is my very first half-marathon run! I couldn't sleep at all the night before, but I have to get up at 1am to take the hotel's shuttle bus as the road would be closed at 2am near the mall.
It was a bright and breezy night. The moon has a corner eaten up. So I shouldn't be afraid of any werewolf. haha.
Women half-marathon started at 4am, half an hour after men half-marathon and a hour after full marathon. Generally the route was very even, not much uphill. OKay, it is not Gold Gate Bridge, and there is reconstruction work going on, but I felt good to run on Penang bridge. Penang looked beautiful on sunrise as I ran back towards it. I have to stop running at 20km, as clamps came in. At the end I finished just in time, 3hours 20minutes for 25km. Thought I wasn't going to make it.

The only two downsides for the organisation:

There was no place to put our bags. Some runners carried theirs, I put mine under a table and took all my valuables with me, which was a hassle.
I ran for almost 8km before I get any water!! All the water stops as illustrated on the map ran out of water by the time I reached there (either they didn't have enough, or I was just plain slow)
Last point- for the Malaysians, there was no fun. There was hardly anyone cheering and clapping. There was no one dressed up, at least I saw some fairies and clowns in KL marathon.

Will I try again next year? Most probably, if I can get time off from Ministry of Health. :)

Home is where the heart is

2008-11-14T10:40:00.005+08:00

I read a short story in Paulo Coelho's "Flowing like the river" last night, where the author asked his Lebanese friend that why didn't they leave Lebanon, even though it has been destroyed seven times? Why did they stay and rebuild the city? His friend answered, "This is our home. People who abandoned the place where their ancestors are buried will be doomed in eternity"
I applied to be transferred back to Sarawak a few weeks ago, as I am now approaching the end of my subspeciality training. Having worked for 15 hospitals across 3 continents, I would like to go home to touch the Borneo earth. How long shall I stay? I do not know. But I do know I want to be buried there. I remembered a journey across the river south of Senegal, where the boat was small full of passengers and animals, I was frightenned into a trance state with the running river. And that night, I dreamt of Sarawak forest and rivers.
A job is a job. Money is just money. Knowledge is knowledge. All these are mountains easily reached. But how do I interpret signs and dreams that are sent to me? I am yet to understand, one thing for sure, my heart will be at peace in Sarawak and its gentle people.

p/s: One person I do not want to see is that DAP man in Miri, after he insulted us in hospital with such arrogant manner. At that time, I was also extremely tired after spending a few nights sleeping on the floor in my office during the outbreak. I pray to God to help me to stay intact for the patients.

American history entered a new era today.

2008-11-05T20:57:00.004+08:00

Barack Obama Supporters Come In All Types

by Elizabeth Wagele;
YOUR ENNEAGRAM TYPE INDIVIDUAL OBAMA CARTOON IS AVAILABLE FOR YOUR BLOG OR WEB SITE

Which type are you?

再别康桥

2008-10-27T12:18:00.002+08:00

轻轻的我走了，
正如我轻轻的来；
我轻轻的招手，
作别西天的云彩。
　
那河畔的金柳，
是夕阳中的新娘；
波光里的艳影，
在我的心头荡漾。
　
软泥上的青荇，
油油的在水底招摇；
在康河的柔波里，
我甘心做一条水草！
　
那榆荫下的一潭，
不是清泉，
是天上虹；
揉碎在浮藻间，
沉淀着彩虹似的梦。
　
寻梦？撑一支长篙，
向青草更青处漫溯；
满载一船星辉，
在星辉斑斓里放歌。
　
但我不能放歌，
悄悄是别离的笙箫；
夏虫也为我沉默，
沉默是今晚的康桥！
　
悄悄的我走了，
正如我悄悄的来；
我挥一挥衣袖，
不带走一片云彩。

I can't change the past, be it happy, sad or terrible, but I can be mindful of my present and choose my future.

Goodbye.

2008-10-27T12:09:00.003+08:00

'Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.

I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.

V.'

So many regrets and mistakes. I can only say that I have been blessed compared to Virginia. I know you have moved on so well, even though no one has really known real intention of my decision. I don't want to spoil your life. The burden in this life I must bear on my own. Forgive me, my dear.

Viva la vida: Coldplay at their best

2008-10-05T12:54:00.001+08:00

My sister's keeper

2008-10-05T11:33:00.005+08:00

I read Jodi Picoult's book "My Sister's Keeper" till 4am this morning. It was so captivating and powerful. It was a very painful experience reading through the whole book with Anna and her family, but real thumb up to Jodi. Real good read.
We followed Anna, a thirteen year old girl, files for a lawsuit against her parents to become medically emancipated from them in order to gain the right to make decision for her own. She was a product of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, as a bone marrow match for her older sister, Kate, who has fighting against Acute Promyelocytic Leukaemia. Throughout her life, she has always able to give what her sister needed, from cord blood, granulocytes to bone marrow, now her family to asking her to donate one of her kidney. This is a life role that she has never challenged until now. Like most teenagers, Anna is beginning to question who she truly is. But unlike most teenagers, she has always been defined in terms of her sister.
It is a typical Jodi Picoult's style to add unexpected twist at the end. This time she added two twists. In the court, when Anna was puched to a corner as a witness to speak. There was, in fact, a deeper understanding between two sisters, that Kate didn't want to die but not willing to go on living as it is, and Anna want to live as any other girl. They agreed on Anna will stop becoming a donor. After the trial Anna is granted medical emancipation and her lawyer is her medical advisory. However, immediately after the trial while Anna was involved in a severe car accident and become brain death.So it went back to her whole life's purpose and donated her kidneys to her sister, Kate. In the end of the book, Kate talked the family's grieving process about Anna's death.
It was beautifully written with views from all members pf the family, including the rebelling older brother, Jesse. As a child become ill, it has a tremendous effect on the whole family structure, every single member is affected. Everyone has their own needs and need to be heard.
As a person has always been defined through another person, one will start questioning if that person die, what will happen to him? What is my value? I also need to be heard and have the right to make my decision.

Auguries of Innocence by William Blake

2008-10-04T10:53:00.005+08:00

"To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

.............

Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

We are led to believe a lie
When we see not through the eye
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.
God appears, and God is light
To those poor souls who dwell in night,
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day."

As there are increasing inequalities among us in this world, I am still searching for the path that helps to bring back peace and harmony. I yearn to see that bright smiles on children and the contented face on a mother with her sleeping child.
Every drop of water I drink I thought of dry Basse, every grain I swallow I thought of the hunger in Serenkunda. As I lost my way in the dazzling city these few years, I probably has put out the stars, packed up the moon and dismantled the sun along the way. There are still jobs needed to be done. The starfishes on the beach are still waiting for us to help them. I must therefore get my compass and put my boots back on. My friends, do wait for me, I will join you when I get myself up.

選擇

2008-08-26T11:06:00.003+08:00

The following poem is sent by my class monitor. The writer has really touched many hearts.

如果我是一片雲，
我會放棄高高在上，
我選擇化作一滴滴小雨飄落人間。
你要問我為什麼，
請看看那些鬱鬱蔥蔥的生命，
那，就是我的答案。
如果我是一支河流，
我會放棄奔流到海，
我選擇化為甘泉流入麥田。
你要問我為什麼，
請聽聽農民伯伯喜悅的笑聲，
那，就是我的答案。
如果我是一株靈芝，
我會放棄長命百歲，
我選擇化為一滴滴藥湯灌入人口中。
你要問我為什麼，
請看看那位康復病人的笑臉，
那，就是我的答案。
如果我是一塊礦石，
我會放棄平靜安逸，
我選擇熔入爐中化為滾燙的鋼水。
你要問我為什麼，
請看看那一座座的高樓大廈，
那，就是我的答案。
如果我是一隻白鴿，
我會放棄自由嬉戲，
我選擇永不停息地把橄欖枝銜到戰爭的國度。
你要問我為什麼，
請看看那些飽受戰爭痛苦的兒童正在快樂地玩耍，
那，就是我的答案。

人生，是一篇做不完的選擇題，

向前？向後？往左？往右？

如果你已迷失方向，瞧瞧你心靈中的真、善、美吧，
那，就是你的答案

家有中等生

2008-08-25T11:37:00.006+08:00

My class monitor forwarded this to me. I sincerely thank the author and hope he/ she doesn't mind i paste it on my blog. Her daughter has really touched my heart. I cried after I finished the story.

"其實沒有遠大理想也不是什麼壞事，這輩子能夠做一個正直的人就可以了。

女兒的同學都管她叫"二十三號"。
她的班裏總共有五十個人，而每每考試，女兒都排名二十三。
久而久之，便有了這個雅號，她也就成了名副其實的中等生。
我們覺得這外號刺耳，女兒卻欣然接受。

老公發愁地說，一碰到公司活動，或者老同學聚會，別人都對自家的"小超人"讚不絕口，他卻只能扮深沉。人家的孩子，不僅成績出類拔萃，而且特長多多。唯有我們家的"二十三號女生"，沒有一樣值得炫耀的地方。

因此，他一看到娛樂節目裏那些才藝非凡的孩子，就羡慕得兩眼放光。
後來，看到一則九歲孩子上大學的報導，他很受傷地問女兒：孩子，你怎麼就不是個神童呢？
女兒說，因為你不是神父啊！老公無言以對，我不禁笑出聲來。

中秋節，親友相聚，坐滿了一個寬大的包廂。眾人的話題，也漸漸轉向各家的小兒女。趁著酒興，要孩子們說說將來要做什麼。

鋼琴家、明星、政界要人，孩子們毫不怯場，連那個四歲半的女孩，也會說將來要做央視的主持人，贏得一陣讚歎。

十二歲的女兒，正為身邊的小弟弟、小妹妹剔蟹剝蝦，盛湯揩嘴，忙得不亦樂乎。
人們忽然想起，只剩她沒說了。在眾人的催促下，她認真地回答："長大了，我的第一志願是，當幼稚園老師，領著孩子們唱歌跳舞，做遊戲。"

眾人禮貌地表示讚許，緊接著追問她的第二志願。
她大大方方地說："我想做媽媽，穿著印叮噹貓的圍裙，在廚房裏做晚餐，然後，給我的孩子講故事，領著他在陽臺上看星星。"親友愕然，面面相覷，不知道該說些什麼。老公的神情，極為尷尬。
回家後，他歎著氣說，你還真打算讓女兒將來當個幼稚園老師？咱們難道真的眼睜睜地看著她當中等生？

其實，我們也動過很多腦筋。
為提高她的學習成績，請家教、報輔導班、買各種各樣的資料。
孩子也蠻懂事，漫畫書不看了，剪紙班退出了，週末的懶覺放棄了。
像一隻疲憊的小鳥，她從一個班趕到另一個班，卷子、練習冊，一遝遝地做。

可到底是個孩子，身體先扛不住了，得了重感冒。
輸著液體，在病床上，她還堅持寫作業，最後引發了肺炎。病好後，孩子的臉小了一圈。
可期末考試的成績，仍然是讓我們哭笑不得的二十三名。

後來，我們也曾試過增加營養、物質激勵等等，幾次三番地折騰下來，女兒的小臉越來越蒼白。而且，一說要考試，她就開始厭食、失眠、冒虛汗，再接著，考出了令我們瞠目結舌的三十三名。

我和老公，悄無聲息地放棄了轟轟烈烈的揠苗助長活動。
恢復了她正常的作息時間，還給她畫漫畫的權利，允許她繼續訂《兒童幽默》之類的書報，家中安穩了很久。
我們對女兒，是心疼的，可面對她的成績，又有說不出的困惑。

週末，一群同事結伴郊遊。
大家各自做了最拿手的菜，帶著老公和孩子去野餐。
一路上笑語盈盈，這家孩子唱歌，那家孩子表演小品。
女兒沒什麼看家本領，只是開心地不停鼓掌。
她不時跑到後面，照看著那些食物。
把傾斜的飯盒擺好，鬆了的瓶蓋擰緊，流出的菜汁擦淨。
忙忙碌碌，像個細心的小管家。

野餐的時候，發生了一件意外的事。
兩個小男孩，一個奧數尖子，一個英語高手，同時夾住盤子裏的一塊糯米餅，誰也不肯放手，更不願平分。
豐盛的美食，源源不斷地擺上來，他們看都不看。
大人們又笑又歎，連勸帶哄，可怎麼都不管用。
最後，還是女兒，用擲硬幣的方法，輕鬆地打破了這個僵局。

回來的路上，堵車，一些孩子焦躁起來。
女兒的笑話一個接一個，全車人都被逗樂了。
她手底下也沒閒著，用裝食品的彩色紙盒，剪出許多小動物，引得這群孩子讚嘆不已。

至下車，每個人都拿到了自己的生肖剪紙。聽到孩子們連連道謝，老公禁不住露出了自豪的微笑。

期中考試後，我接到了女兒班主任的電話。
首先得知，女兒的成績，仍是中等。
不過，他說，有一件奇怪的事想告訴我，他從教三十年了，第一次遇見這種事。

語文試卷上有一道附加題：你最欣賞班裏的哪位同學，請說出理由。
除女兒之外，全班同學，竟然都寫上了女兒的名字。
理由很多：熱心助人、守信用、不愛生氣、好相處等等，寫得最多的是，樂觀幽默。
班主任還說，很多同學建議，由她來擔任班長。他感歎道：你這個女兒，雖說成績一般，可為人，實在很優秀啊！

我開玩笑地對女兒說，你快要成為英雄了。
正在織圍巾的女兒，歪著頭想了想，認真地告訴我說，老師曾講過一句格言：當英雄路過的時候，總要有人坐在路邊鼓掌。
她輕輕地說："媽媽，我不想成為英雄，我想成為坐在路邊鼓掌的人。"

我猛地一震，默默地打量著她。
她安靜地織著絨線，淡粉的線，在竹針上纏纏繞繞，彷彿一寸一寸的光陰，在她手裏，吐出星星點點的花蕾。
我心裏，竟是驀地一暖。

那一刻，我忽然被這個不想成為英雄的女孩打動了。
這世間，有多少人，年少時渴望成為英雄，最終卻成了煙火紅塵裏的平凡人。
如果健康，如果快樂，如果，沒有違背自己的心意，我們的孩子，又何妨做一個善良的普通人。

長大成人後，她一定會成為：賢淑的妻子、溫柔的母親，甚至，熱心的同事、和善的鄰居。
在那些漫長的歲月裏，她都能安然地過著自己想要的生活。
作為父母，還想為孩子祈求怎樣更好的未來呢？

After thoughts on EQ parenting course

2008-08-25T11:26:00.005+08:00

I have recently attended a two-weekends course "EQ parenting course". It is probably the best course I have ever attended in my entire life. When Woan Yiing first told me of this, my first response is "aiya... I am single.... no need lah.." then I thought I often get stucked in clinics when parents complain to me of their children's behaviours. I also feel bad of saying "tak ada ubat for naughty behaviour". I have advised on ABA, star chart, time out, etc. But if parents are not firm, these techniques will only work for a few weeks.
"EQ parenting course" has in fact helped myself the most. It led me to look inside myself, and change for the better. We cried a lot in the course. We also laughed a lot. I become very close to my classmates, and my class monitor is sending us nice emails each week. I love my job even more now and really look forward to work each morning.
Children are mirrors of adults. We need to change ourselves and grow together with our children. After this course, I see many more beautiful hearts, suddenly I don't feel so marginalised so much anymore.
My ambition now is bringing this course to my beloved Sarawak and share this special gifts to everyone.

a story of starfish

2008-07-25T13:11:00.007+08:00

Once a man was walking along a beach on a beautiful day. In a distance he could see a little boy going back and forth between the surf’s edge and the beach. As the man approached, he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide.

The man was stuck by the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish. So he came up to the child he said, “ You must be crazy. There are thousands of miles covered with starfish. You can’t possibly make a difference.” The child looked at him, then stooped down and pick one more starfish and put it back into the ocean. He turned back to the man and said, “It made a difference to that one!”

---Prof. David Baum, late president of RCPCH UK-----
One by one, I will make sure a smile is put on every child's face.

Happy 50th birthday, VSO

2008-07-25T10:23:00.005+08:00

VSO UK marked its 50th anniversary this year and a formal celebration was held in London's Royal festival hall in May. As first volunteers were sent to Sarawak in 1958, a smaller celebration was held in Kuching last weekend. There were about 20s people traveled from UK, Australia, New Zealand and USA to mark this special occasion. I was so honored to meet such veterans RVs. Many are in their 60s and 70s, and still volunteering in many ways. There are some volunteers even got married to Sarawakians and stays until now. Of course VSO has changed much for the past 50 years, when volunteers were young school- leavers to now with an average age of over 40s with more experience and skills to share.
Sarawak British Alumni hosted a dinner in Sarawak Club for us and it was my very first time stepping inside there; feel like Cinderella stepping into a palace. Val's daughter, Alena, and Gill's daughter, Emma (both british- kelabit heritage) sang and played the sape.I felt very honored to be chosen as VSO representative to deliver a speech. I was also very surprised to sit next to a local GP, Dr. Foster who looked after me since I was born.
The next day's public exhibation was openned officially by DCM Datuk Patinggi Tan Sri Afred Jabu. It was very typical of 'speeches" session, followed by a public forum. But the exhibition was very interesting to see the old photos of volunteers in the past 50 years in Sarawak, including ones from Prof. Peter Abraham, who sadly couldn't make it to the event. I wish they have some photos from Jon Snow, who was once a VSO volunteer in Uganda in the 70s.
All in all, I think all RVs there were happy with Sarawakian progression. I hope I can feel the same way if I have the chance to go back to the Gambia.

Ipoh here I come

2008-07-04T21:12:00.004+08:00

I started my community Paediatric attachment on Tuesday. It was no fun getting up at 4.30am in the morning to move some of my luggages and the Parkinsonian- guard kept staring at me (and I kept suppressing my urge of doing glabellar tap). But I reached Ipoh at 7am and managed to get some McD porridge.
I am supposed to plan my own timetable....mmm... first time doing this; and I am finding it tough as there were so many things I would like to do, and not sure how to squeeze things in. Too used to be spoon-fed already.
Anyway, I went to a pre-school playgroup with inclusion program of integrating normal kids and kids with special needs. It was great seeing kids are mixing so well together and learning from each other. It also increases public awareness of children with special needs, which I think it is right direction for a civilised society.

Creating a world without poverty

2008-06-28T22:36:00.006+08:00

".... Poverty is the absence of all human rights. The frustrations, hostility and anger generated by abject poverty cannot sustain peace in any society. For building stable peace we must find ways to provide opportunities for people to live decent lives...What we want and how we get to it depends on our mindsets. It is extremely difficult to change mindsets once they are formed, We create the world in accordance with our mindset. We need to invent ways to change our perspective continually and reconfigure our mindset quickly as new knowledge emerges.We can reconfigure our world if we can reconfigure our mindset....." Prof. Muhammad Yunus, Grameen Bank on receiving Nobel Prize in 2006.
Prof. Muhammad Yunus left his academic career in USA in 1970s, and returned to Bangladesh to serve poverty- stricken people with such inspiration and courage. Grameen bank has reached 80% of the poor families with microcredit in 2006, and is aiming for 100% by 2010. It is an achievement considering it is a bank from the poor to the poor. A revolution that breaks the traditional banking system.
I tell myself, with a dream at heart, I must not run away from obstacles. If we do not succeed in our lifetime, someone else can continue to walk the path I have helped to pave. And one day we can achieve a world without poverty, a world that all children can go to school, a world that no children will need to work to pay off family debt, a world that no children will ever look through others' trash to look for food.....

祸从天降

2008-06-28T21:30:00.002+08:00

I had a shock of my life this morning. Before I was leaving for my eye check-up, I tried to shut my bedroom window, and the window panel slided off the rail and fell off.....down 12 floors to the swimming pool below!! "S*#%....." I hyperventilated for about 5 seconds, then got Ashraf to come out the apartment to look down the swimming pool together, as I was too "chickened" in case it is a bloody pool and we had to go and resuscitate somebody.
Thank God. There was nobody hurt. There were at least 5 children in the pool, but they were ok (in fact, they carried on playing in the pool!!). There were 5 other workers near the pool sorting out the laundry, but they were stunned at the incident.
I think our apartment is falling apart, with Ashraf's bathroom roof falling down, and my window fell off.... what's next?
I must quickly escape to Ipoh!!

well done, Yasmin.

2008-06-24T23:09:00.001+08:00

Yasmin has done it again. Gold Lion and Bronze Lion at the Cannes Advertising Festival, 2008. So proud of you!!!

Family

2008-06-20T04:54:00.003+08:00

Yasmin's first project for Singapore. Warm and awesome as usual; reminds us the greatest love is shown in little things.

"Kelip-kelip" in Kuala Selangor

2008-06-17T20:16:00.004+08:00

As it was a rare chance that three of us were free altogether in the apartment. We decided to drive to Kuala Selangor to see the famous "kelip-kelip", AKA firrefly. It was a fairly easy drive, although further than we thought. Ashraf was so excited to see a "train", so we stopped for a ride to go up to bukit Melawati, where there was a light house guiding the ships going and coming in the past. There were a lot of monkeys being fed by the tourists.

Dorothy and I were doing "monkey business"

Then we stopped at the nearby village for seafood. As it was Father's day, the place was packed with people, and the first restaurant we went even ran out of crabs. The food was average, and was late serving as they were very busy. Anyway, Ashraf really enjoyed his "first time" eating crabs with shells on.

We then drove another 7km to Kampung Kuantan. The boat trip up the river was really pleasant. It was near full moon, so the flashes by the fireflies on pokok berembang weren't very bright; but it was still an amazing view. The species of here reside only in mangrove areas, where pokok berembang grows. At nights, they feed on nectar from the leaves and attract mates with their synchronised flashing. The chemical reaction in the thorax of the insect produces a cool green glow that is controlled to flash at a rate of 3 flashes per second. The males flash within 1/30th of a second of each other whilst the females do not flash as frequently nor as flamboyantly as the males. So as the flashing will become dimmer during late night after the flyflies have mated.
According to our boatman, the population of fireflies has reduced substantially in recent years due to dying pokok berembang. I thought this is such a shame, as this is also our heritage and we have not tried our best to preserve the nature. I wonder if our next generation will get to see it.

Ashraf and Dorothy in their "Dutch" color jacket before the boat trip.

happy father's day

2008-06-15T11:09:00.004+08:00

Today is father's day and again, I am away from home this year. Received an email from a friend whose father has passed away suddenly from MI a few days ago with no previous health problem. Ironically, she bought a China tour for her and her parents the morning he passed away. 人生无常呀!!
My bother took this picture of papa a few years ago during our family holiday in China. Papa was reading a tour book in the park, and we saw his back and thought of a famous essay "背影" by 朱自清, last passage went like this "近几年来，父亲和我都是东奔西走，家中光景是一日不如一日。他少年出外谋生，独力支持，做了许多大事。那知老境却如此颓唐！他触目伤怀，自然情不能自已。情郁于中，自然要发之于外；家庭琐屑便往往触他之怒。他待我渐渐不同往日。但最近两年的不见，他终于忘却我的不好，只是惦记着我，惦记着我的儿子。我北来后，他写了一信给我，信中说道，“我身体平安，惟膀子疼痛利害，举箸提笔，诸多不便，大约大去之期不远矣。”我读到此处，在晶莹的泪光中，又看见那肥胖的，青布棉袍，黑布马褂的背影。唉！我不知何时再能与他相见"
Happy father's day, papa.

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

2008-06-11T20:19:00.004+08:00

Well, my MSc exam for this year has finished. I think I had failed my immunology paper, it was really hard. Some questions were pretty relevant, like designing a new vaccine for TB, and explaining the roles and functions of various immune system elements, like CD4 Th1, CD8 cytotoxic cells, neutrophils, etc. Research question looked at new vaccine for RSV aiming at F protein, and I went blank staring at the graphs. 2 hours paper finished in 1 hour, as I didn't know what to write. AIDS paper was better as there were more clinical questions as well as setting up services, so I nearly ran out of time. Health economics was so-so, as I didn't any knowledge about economics, so I thought I have tried my best.
Anyway, I thought I will relax with a book this afternoon, and read Mark Haddon's the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. It is about a 15 years old Christopher (15 years and 3 months and 2 days to be exact) with Austistic spectrum disorder. The plot started with Christopher's neighbour, Mrs. Shears' dog has been killed in the front yard by a fork. The story evolved as Christopher attempting to find out its killer. Christopher's father, Ed, is a single parent, who loves him a lot and extremely protective of him. Christopher was told that his mother has died two years ago in the hospital. Along the process of his detective work, he found out some letters addressing to him from his mother: his mother is, in fact, still alive and actually left him due to difficulty of bringing up a disabled child and now lives with another man in London. Ed was so overwhelmed when he saw Christopher with the letters, and admitted to him that he did lie and he was the one who killed Mrs. Shears' dog. Christopher lost all his trust in his father and decided to go to his mother in London.
This was a really good book, as the story's protagonist, has very little emotion and is extremely gifted in mathematics and has a photographic memory. The book went on to detailed descriptions of Christopher's mind, which was really fascinating. I really feel the love and the patience coming from Ed, Christopher's father, that he took care of him from all corners: took him from police station (after Christopher hit the policeman, as the policeman touched him), cooked for him (no yellow food, and all the food can not touch each other), really calm as Christopher screamed on the floors at times, etc. It was so painful when he knew that Christopher lost all his trust in him and ran away from him. If bringing up a normal child, bringing up an autistic child is extra hard. Autistic mind works in a logical way, "if father can kill Wellington (the dog), he may kill me too"
Only one thing, Christopher seems to have some imaginary thoughts, e.g. as he looked at Orion in the sky, he imagined it as a dinosaur instead of a hunter. ??
As a whole, the book deserved its Whitbread award in 2003.

Here in my home

2008-06-09T20:10:00.003+08:00

Love this song.
The song was written by Pete Teo. It is a non-profit, non-partisan, independent project from Malaysian Artistes for Unity directly to Malaysians, belongs to all malaysians regardless of income, race or creed. Thank you guys.

Public health and psychiatry

2008-06-07T17:06:00.003+08:00

I decided to do my MSc in ID written examination in Putrajaya this year. Health economics paper yesterday was tough as I didn't have any basic economic knowledge at all. As I was doing "postmortem" looking through my notes after exam, another candidate came up and chatted to me. I was surprised to find out that he is actually a private psychiatrist. Then I was confused: what is the relationship between psychiatry and public health, the diploma paper he had just taken?
He explained to me that as psychiatry is always placed as low priority in the national heath policy, so he wants to study public health to find out health strategy and advocates for psychiatric patients. (Good point, I will remember this next time I fight for budget)
It is true, the WHO "global burden of disease" project has showed that unipolar depressive disorder is actually ranked 2nd after HIV/AIDS. Even in middle income countries, it carries 6.7% total DALYs. A lot of medical reliefs/ development NGOs nowsaday have also put more emphasis on psychiatric input as they carry out their projects in post-war zones and post- disaster areas. For helping children after disaster, post- traumatic stress disorder will be one to consider when one carries our medical relief or development project.

Ashraf's bathroom roof

2008-06-07T13:41:00.007+08:00

Ashraf's bathroom roof has fallen off the other night due to a leaking drainage pipe upstairs. Buildings nowsaday are so fragile.
We thought we had better increase our income by charging him for using the girls' bathroom since inflation is here. hehe...*evil laughs* "Ashraf, you had better use our bathroom in case the rest of your ceiling fall off while you are taking a piss or shower? We don't want to resuscitate you while you are naked!"
He then said he'll take his shower with his boxer shorts on till the ceiling is fixed.
Stubborn.

What if petrol station has run out of petrol?

2008-06-07T11:30:00.006+08:00

My housemate asked me, "what will happen if we run out of petrol?" It will be difficult, but life carried on. I said this because I have been through two similar situations, one in UK 8 years ago, and one in the Gambia.
In 2000, when the fuel protests against high fuel prices, fuel was running low across UK. I was initially given priority to pump up petrol as I was in emergency service, then the fuel storage went down to zero after a few days into the protest. I started to take train from Cardiff where I lived, to Bristol where I worked. It was tiring, as I had to take a bus to train station at 6.00am, then get onto a train at 7am (even trains was cut back) so I can reach Bristol children hospital on time at 9am. I actually begged my colleagues to let me do on call, so that I could stay at the hospital. (In UK, specialists do resident on call) I was so relieved when the protest stopped after a week. But roads were extremely quiet during the petrol protest period. (Of note, petrol price was 76p/l in 1992; and now is 104p/l => my car in UK used to cost me 1% for my UK salary; now my kelisa also cost me 1% of my KKM salary. I am not getting any more benefit of cheap petrol anymore. I can dream on....)
Then when I was a VSO Paediatrician in the Gambia in 2002, there was one week of petrol shortage (I can't remember why... I think it was something to do with Nigeria strikes or Ivory coast war... memory is so lousy these days).It didn't affect me much as I was walking everywhere and used bush vans to work, although had to wait for van for longer. But petrol stations was a horrible scene with people using all sort of containers to fill petrol and fighting to jump queues.. We were so scared that petrol station might explore if any idiot drop his cigarette.

Delicious in Bangsar.

2008-06-07T09:30:00.009+08:00

Joanne was so bored in Penang since her final MB exam, so she came down to KL to "kacau" us. Aiya, Jo, make sure you sleep well and eat well before your 2-years' houseman's hardship. After my graduation (which was so long ago) I went to an European tour with my parents with some cash I worked as a student locum in our teaching hospital and a student hardship loan.

Anyway, we went to a fusion restaurant in Bangsar called Delicious, I ordered a Duck confit spaghetti (which was a touch too oily), Ashraf had spaghetti carbonara (which was a bit too creamy), and Jo had steak sandwich. Our waitress was a Burmese and was pretty attentive to us. Overall, we have a good time and a good laugh.

Then we went to Marmalade upstair for refreshing milkshake and juice. There weren't many people on the street in Bangsar, and it was a Friday night. Everyone has "ikat perut" already? The newspaper said there will be increase in motorcycle sales; I hate motorcyclists because I am not very good of avoiding them on the highways and they are so fast. *sign* I can't say too much because my dad uses a motorcycle as well, and I know a miser like him will sure use more of his 30 years- old motorcycle now.

Inflation rate to rise further?

2008-06-05T20:12:00.004+08:00

So will the inflation rate rise further? It has been fluctuating at 2-4% for the past few years in Malaysia, now all the essential items in our daily utility baskets are getting more expensive, will the bubble burst?
Well, BBC news reported that the Bank of England has kept their interest rate at 5%, not as high as 7% as in late 1990s; this measurement is taken out as Monetary solution to counter their rising inflation rate, which is at 3% and UK's target is 2%. Our central bank has kept interest rate at 3%.
Dad told me that Suharto was forced out of power as Indonesia inflation rate soaring to rocket-high after reduction of subsidy to petrol; and UK government changed hands after the "black Wednesday"economic aftermath (it was really testing time for all of us in UK as we didn't know how the exchange rate will become).
Now transport fares has gone up, coffee-O/ nasi lemak/ roti canai are more expensive already, crime rate will go up, we might yet to see more political cyclones on our way in Malaysia.
I think I had better change my career to Psychiatry as nobody will make babies at this stressful period, but more will need Prozac. :)

KL's foggy sky on World Environment Day 2008

2008-06-05T09:19:00.005+08:00

Soon I am going to miss this sky, NOT!!
I hope our public transport system will improve soon, if not, we won't be able to see KLCC until we are 50m near.
I was really looking forward to see London fog when I went to UK. But it has actually long gone since reduction of car pollution, more parks, and certainly British has become more environmentally friendly.
I had better go and hug a tree before it extincts!! :)

World Environment Day

2008-06-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

Petrol price has just gone up. So let's kick the habit and become greener today!! My wish: logging will stop in Sarawak and wealth will be redistributed back to Sarawakian people from certain people!!
There are 80 ways to celebrate a greener day!!

Petrol cost has up to RM2.70 from midnight today

2008-06-04T23:15:00.005+08:00

Outside my condomidium- jalan Pahang is jammed with cars to Shell petrol station around the corner. Everyone has just got the news and the Star has reported,

"Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi on Wednesday announced price hikes for petrol, diesel and electricity.

He said the new price for petrol is RM2.70 a litre, effective midnight tonight. The price goes up by 78sen from the current RM1.92, a hike of 40%......"

Oouch...my kelisa will now cost me RM45 extra each month to fill up. Then I realised I will get rebate of RM625, so I probably break even if I drive extra for other things. Dad is definitely driving less of his Mercedes, which drinks petrol like water. And old people shouldn't drive around.... sorry dad :)

So now all the necessities: flour, rice, petrol, electricity... has gone up... I wonder when the inflation bubble is going to burst. And I thought the government may understand the difficulty our people are facing after election. There are probably only 10% people in Malaysia controlling 90% of our wealth, and why don't they just increase income tax for the wealthy people to increase revenue to subsidy the poorer people. Simple social science principle.

As we all know, petrol is a necessity, so the government increases its price, and the taxing has become regressive, which affect the poorer people worst. To redistribute income, we must use progressing taxing method, like luxury goods tax (I wouldn't mind if Rolex price is doubled overnight) and increase the top income tax band to even 60%.

I actually did expect the petrol price to go up as crude oil barrel has increased to US$135 per barrel already. But 40% increase is sure going to hurt a lot of people. Even in U.K., it was increasing almost twice a year, but usually no more than 5% each time. So it didn't hurt so much.

Well, I hope we can find an alternative to petrol soon. And I hope the third world countries do not as they did in 1980s the 10 years after- effects from OPEC's sudden increase of oil price in 1970s.

Until then, I just have to be greener and be social- responsible.

And who know, KL pollution might get better.... haha...

mind wondering during my revision

2008-06-03T13:30:00.004+08:00

Okay, my mind is wondering again. It was so much easier revising when you are younger, mind can focus; now so much distractions. Anyway, I was revising on immunology today. Look at Staphylococcus aureus, an aerobic, gram-positive bacteria; I learnt only a handful of virulence factors during medical school, now in latest Nelson's, there are at least 8: antibiotics determinants, adherence, colonization, superantigens ( all the enterotoxins), exotoxin, exfoliatins A&B that causes impetigo/ SSS), pore-forming toxins, TSST that causes shock, PVL that causes necrotising pneumonia in kids.... wow, and some strains are very clever with slime layer to protect themselves or produce Protein A to cheat our IgG. Have anyone thought of designing a PC game as an aid for me remember all these? Lets have Germ vs human immune system. :)
And I learnt another fact: "impaired mobilization of polymorphonuclear leukocytes has been documentated in healthy individuals after ingesting alcohol." It is written in black and white in latest edition of Nelson's textbook of Paediatrics, and proven while I searched medline. Suzy, we have better do something else next time we get together.

2008-06-02T13:55:00.000+08:00

my new calligraphy pen

2008-06-01T20:57:00.005+08:00

Okay, I haven't written chinese calligraphy for a while. I discovered this new type of calligraphy pen which writes like old fashioned pen, but has got an ink refill. So no messy ink around.
I am copying Buddha teaching of 佛說父母恩難報經 here. Writing is a bit shaky here; hopefully I will get better before my parents laugh at me. I used to win prizes for this at school, so I can do it.
"If there is a will, there is a way." I hope I can present this as my dad's birthday present end of the year.

Hari Gawai

2008-06-01T19:50:00.002+08:00

Selamat Hari Gawai to my Iban friends at home. I am really home sick here.

shopaholic generation

2008-06-01T19:08:00.004+08:00

So our mid-year sales has hit the malls again. Ask any KL people what they are going to do this weekend, more than likely, the answer will be spending time in one of the shopping malls (and they are mushrooming everywhere). I bought a woman magazine yesterday, and an article wrote about our young people and their shopaholic addiction. One girl, 28, has a job with monthly RM2000 salary, but still needs parents' monthly allowance RM2000 for her expenses. Another girl, barely 20 years old, is already shopping around the world at top designer shops on parents' expense. Somebody told me that I should read Sophie Kinsella's book, Confessions of a shopaholic; which is about a 25 years old girl in London with a shopaholic addiction and huge credit card bills. This book was on WHSmith bestseller list when it first came out, but I got very irritated by it. For godness sake, London has much better places other than Oxford Street (which I think is the ugliest street in U.K.). Do these girls know the famous London Gallery, Tower of London, London museum..... are also in London?

A designer bag that was bought and tossed aside may but chloroquine to treat 1,500 children with malaria or vaccinate 300 children for DTP. Florence in this photo is 16 years old, and has to help pounding millet after school. There are 20 people living in a small hut. But she is lucky to be able to go to school, unlike her cousin (Sabeena is next to Florence here), has to tend to farming and house chores. She sometimes came over to my house to learn writing in the evening. It took me one year to teach her to write her name. I am not a good teacher. :)

We must appreciate blessings, cherish blessings, then cultivate blessings.

Kimchi

2008-05-29T19:09:00.005+08:00

My mom is so into Kimchi these days after she read that it can "cure bird-flu" from bbc website. I will eat some when I am at home. My dad hates sour thing, so being typical Malaysian, he and my two younger brothers are turning their heads away from the jar. She told me that Kimchi has "special germs" and can fight bird-flu, and that's why SARS didn't affect Koreans so much. As mom has been our full-time family cook + nurse+ doctor+ tutor since we were young, she does read a lot, mainly chinese medicine and she will even find some secret family recipes from somewhere. Even though she explains things to me as if I am still four, but she is right most of time.
I searched through Pubmed and there is no evidence of Kimchi can protect ones from flu, but there are some studies detecting growth of Lactobacilli spp, Leuconostoc spp and Weissella spp. This probably contributes to its potential effects of changing microbial dynamics in our body. Then I came across an article concerning that it might increase risk of developing gastric cancer1. Mmm.... better tell mom this.

Nan HM et al. Kimchi and soybean pastes are risk factors of gastric cancer. World J Gastroenterol. 2005 Jun 7;11(21):3175-81.

New contract with KKM

2008-05-28T19:45:00.003+08:00

I have signed off another 2 years with KKM today. Unfortunately, our ministry didn't offer me a promotion this time, so I will stay at the same scale for 4 years at the end of the new contract. I did get very upset with it a few weeks ago. Then I realised I didn't choose medicine for status and money. I am single and have a very simple life: no property ownership, no debt, just a small Kelisa needing to be fed on petrol . So my current salary is enough for me to get by.
My patients who need my help will rely on my knowledge and skills, and that do not reflect on my position and wealth. Again I turned to my Jing Si Aphonrisms, " Craving not only brings misery, but also leads the way to moral ruin"
So I have another 2 years of

“BERKHIDMAT UNTUK NEGARA”
“PENYAYANG, BEKERJA BERPASUKAN DAN PROFESIONALISMA ADALAH BUDAYA KERJA KITA”

; and I hope they will transfer me home next year. I am so tired of KL traffic and noise already.

Is our medical students' standard falling?

2008-05-27T22:23:00.005+08:00

My boss came back hyperventilating after her teaching season today. She is very worried that none of her students will pass the final exam; apparently none of them has read up textbooks around the signs and symptoms that brought the patients they have clerked. Some of them haven't even finished examination on the patients even though they have seen the patients two days ago!! And I am surprised that they are final year students (i.e they will be our houseman next year) as they haven't approached any junior doctors or nurses working in the wards to fish around for information. Everyday, a few of them will walk in and wonder around the wards aimlessly with confused faces, then walk out. ??? !!! Then I will see them coming with the lecturers and got scolded. (In fact, one lecturer sent two of them off the ward today as they failed to clerk any patient)
WHY? I thought these were straight A1s students. Every year, I see headlines that disappointments spread as the "guilty" SPA have slashed hopes for these top students to be doctors. But I was getting worried when I come across these students face-to-face. Do you blame the lecturers? I don't know. I do know they are trying very hard, with soft methods, in fact, I think it is a bit too spoon-feeding compared to my time.
I think this may be a difference between Malaysia and overseas. When I was in Dundee, first thing I learnt in my 3rd year is "kawan" with the ward nurses (i.e buy them chocolate and cakes) and the houseman/ SHOs (i.e. take bloods from patients for them/ fill in forms/ buy sandwiches for them/ go to pub together).... then I will get to know inside-outside of my patients and my consultants!! At that time, my medical school allowed "student locum", i.e final medical student can work as houseman for an emergency short period to cover houseman, so I guess I learnt pretty fast to be "wardwise" and cover all the loopholes. We didn't have so many handbooks like today, so I used to carry a filofax and made colorful notes and wrote down tips. (Now I carried a HP iPAQ 6828rw.. yes, on the dark side...)
I got even more worried when I read comments in MMR forum that people are regretting taking up medicine. Please change your career if you are not enjoying it. You won't excel in it without passion. Medical schools play an important role of selecting students, straight A1s do not equal to good doctors, in fact, Oxford/ Cambridge based a lot more on interviews/ extra- curriculum/ personalities. In U.K., students were actually encouraged to do whatever they enjoy and even subjects with creativitity, and that's how they have Nobel Prize winners.
It is serious for us working as doctors to train our young doctors well, as they will be the ones looking after us when we are old.

Licence to kill

2008-05-27T22:06:00.002+08:00

Our Deputy Health Minister has caused an uproar in parliament, according to the various media reports (I got mine on Sinchew sms):

"Deputy Health Minister Dr Abdul Latiff Ahmad sparked an uproar in the Dewan Rakyat when he described medical doctors as having a “licence to kill”.
Replying to Alexander Nanta Linggi (BN-Kapit) on the shortage of doctors in remote areas of Sarawak, he explained that local universities are not producing sufficiently skilled doctors.
As a result, he said, the ministry is unable to approve their employment, adding: “As you all know, doctors have a licence to kill and a licence to cure.”
On hearing this, Dr Hatta Ramli (PAS-Kuala Krai) demanded a retraction of the statement as “it could send a negative signal to the public”.

I didn't know I can take up a role as James Bond when I sworn Hippocratic Oath in at my graduation, so I double checked: ".....I will give no deadly medicine to any one if asked, nor suggest any such counsel....." And Palmdoc has also reminded us of WHO medical ethic declaration on MMR website.
Okay, His YB meant that the standard of our new doctors have slipped and lethal mistakes have been made. He should come forward to explain before our image is damaged further.

spot the differences

2008-05-26T20:12:00.017+08:00

It is coming to the end of my PICU attachment in PPUKM. Learnt a lot. Cried sometimes. But Prof. Tang has produced such good outcome, so there are always laughters after all the adrenaline rush.
I couldn't help taking a photo of one of this little 3.5kg baby and all the technologies surrounding her. She was really sick with one of the worst ARDS I have ever seen, and we even gave surfactant on top of iNO 20ppm and HFOV. Then she developed acute renal failure, which needed peritoneal dialysis. And there were at least 10 infusions pumping into at any one time, with all the inotropes and sedation/ analgesia/ antibiotics, etc. We even lost count of the plastic tubes coming out and going into her body. And she made remarkable recovery and was extubated after 3 weeks in PICU; now 1 week breathing on her own, she is fixing and following, started to smile; and she needs to have a very cute smile for somebody to adopt her before being sent back to orphanage.

I then found a photo I took when we set up a acute bay in the Gambian ward as part of RCPCH/ VSO programme. Here we have a nurse looking at 10 children for 5 beds. And I considered that a luxury, because this nurse could do regular observations and glucose monitoring if we gave quinine infusion for a child with cerebral malaria. And she could attend to the child if the child started to deteriorate or fit. With this measure, we managed to reduce our mortality rate by 30%.
No doubt the rest of Malaysia is not as well-equipped as PPUKM, but we aren't as bad as the Gambia. We must count our blessing and work for a better service for our patients. As Dharma Master Cheng Yen said "We should appreciate, cherish and cultivate blessing"

Sichuan heroes

2008-05-25T09:04:00.003+08:00

Gaik Siew sent me this presentation about the stories appeared in the recent Sichuan earthquake. We are truly blessed in Malaysia, where we are spared from disasters, and meanwhile we should reach out and assist these heroes who have truly touched our hearts.

walauA

2008-05-24T16:14:00.007+08:00

I went to KLCC book fair this morning. It was the biggest chinese book fair I have been and the books exhibited were extensive with reasonable price tags. I bought about ten books, and would buy more if my hands haven't become tired anymore. The organisers are also expressing their condolences to earthquake victims in Sichuan by donating part of their profit towards rescue funds to China. My biggest surprise of all was meeting Wang Teck Tzin, the author of Pin Ton comic, a comic column I love in Sin Chew. Not what I imagine..... actually I don't imagine how he looks like, I just love his humorous comic strips, which always brighten my days.

Reunion, Bangsar

2008-05-18T20:11:00.005+08:00

I decided to treat myself after having received an award for my presentation at APCN 10 days ago. So I trotted along to the much- talked- about Chinese restaurant at Bangsar, Reunion. As today is Sunday, so I decided to have dim-sum as my brunch and ordered egg tarts (my favourite), prawn cheong fun, shanghai dumpling and deep fried yam puffs.
The deco was contemporary and chic with dark furnitures, the waiters were very attentive, and my food was very good: egg tarts were perfect with crisp pastry and soft custard, not too sweet; prawn cheong fun was fantastic with big prawn; shanghai dumplings were so-so; deep fried yam puffs were a bit too oily though. My jasmine tea was okay, nothing to shout about. Price was a whooping RM41 altogether; and did feel a bit guilty, after all, people are starving in China and Myanmar. I will go to Mamak stall tonight instead.

Boyle's law

2008-05-18T13:52:00.004+08:00

This was how my sardine sandwich looked like when it was delivered to me during my trip to Bangkok. So during next diving trip, I will definitely remember to breath out next time I submerge to the surface before I blow a pneumothorax!!
A quick reminder of Boyle's law, which was described by Dr. Robert Boyle in 1662: "For a fixed amount of gas kept at a fixed temperature, P and V are inversely proportional (while one increases, the other decreases)"

The mathematical equation for Boyle's law is:

where:

P denotes the pressure of the system.; V is the volume of the gas.; k is a constant value representative of the pressure and volume of the system.

So during diving, as we dive deeper, pressure increases. As pressure increases volume decreases, so the same amount of air takes up less space. Because of this, we will notice that our BCD "deflates"as it is compressing the same air into a smaller volume. We are also reminded to equalize to let more air into Eustachian tubes to compensate for the reduction in volume.

Likewise, as we ascend, pressure decreases and volume increases. A full BCD at depth will become fuller as we ascend - and more importantly, we must exhale as we ascend. If we hold our breath while ascending, the air in our lungs expands beyond capacity, like my sandwich bag here and may cause pneumothorax!!

Thailand- Songkran- water, water everywhere

2008-04-21T20:00:00.003+08:00

Spent 6 days in Thailand 2 weeks ago: 3 days in Bangkok and 2 days in Chiangmai. It was extremely hot and I didn't realise it was the peak of the hot season. Even with SPF130, I still come back at least 3 shades darker.
Bangkok was essentially a megacity with 7 millions people. With all the buses, cars, tuk-tuk... I just breathed more CO2 more than O2. Now I can't complain about the pollution in KL anymore. But the highlight is definitely the Royal Palace and Emerald Buddha in Wat Phra Kaew. The buildings were very grand and shinning. Thai people were still moaning for His Majesty's sister, Her Royal Highness Princess Galyani Vadhana Krom Luang Naradhiwas Rajanagarindra (I copied and pasted this one) who passed away in January this year. So her pictures are everywhere.
The other highlight I had in Bangkok was reclining Buddha in Wat Pho and a 3m tall, 5.5 tonne solid gold Buddha in Wat Tramit.
I stayed in Khao San Road, and wished I had booked air-con room--- geez, it was so hot!! I joined two day-trips later: one to Damnoen Saduak Floating market (felt like a tourist trap but very pretty), River Kwan & Tiger temple; second day to Ayuthaya, which I thought was pretty unique but not as magnificent as Angkor Wat.
Because of the upcoming Songkran, I didn't get a train seat from Bangkok to Chiangmai and only managed a coach VIP (there's a coach VVIP and was sold out as well) But it was actually very comfortable.
Chaingmai was actually nicer as it was less busy. Because the city was smaller, so it felt like Wat everywhere and I had pay to respect every ten steps or so. The Wat here were beautiful as well. There were people from Bangkok coming here for holiday as I met two girls on the way to Don Suthep. The next day I joined a day trip to Doi Inthanon National Park, where the highest peak in Thailand situated with lots of waterfalls. The air was much more refreshing here.
Just before I left, the Songkran festival preparation was well on the way, with lots of people purchasing their water guns and buckets. I wish I had time to stay for the festival, may be next year.

KL marathon 2008

2008-03-30T21:00:00.006+08:00

I asked myself what I can achieve in one hour. Read a chapter of a very funny book? get up close and personnel with a shark 30 meters below seawater? Get paid 40 pounds doing locum in a hospital? surf around internet?
Then I decided I have been such a bookworm in my life and never really finished any race properly. So I applied to participate in KL marathon 2008 10k race. Waking up early on a Sunday morning was the hardest part. After all, I am not on call, man!
I tried to take a taxi and then realised halfway, jalan TAR was already blocked. Of course full marathon flagged off at 4.30am. I ran towards Dataran Merdeka, and saw a few runners running even faster, geez, those Kenya runners must be running at least 15km per hour!!
When I reached Dataran Merdeka, there were already thousands of people around. As I didn't bring my phone, so I couldn't find my friend, Janah. Oh what the heck!
Just when we are getting ready to start for 7am flag off, 4 runners already finished their 42km full marathon, under 2h30min!!
I really saw KL in a different way running with hundreds of other runners. There weren't as many people as I expected. We run part of MRR, towards jalan Istana, then towards golden triangle: jalan Hang Tuah, jalan Imbi, jalan Bukit Bintang, jalan Raja Chulan, jalan P Ramlee, then turn back to dataran Merdeka via Jalan Sultan Ismail and jalan TAR. There were only 3 water stops. One fellow- runner teased the girl, "ah moi, mana teh tark!?"
I clocked just under 1 hour 10min, not bad for a bookworm. I thought. ;p
There were many veteran runners, including some at grandpa age, and look so fit!! In fact, I felt so good and inspired, now I must challenge my next goal to half marathon in Adidas King of road in August 2008.